Cailen decided to lay back on the bed, the sheets cold and scratchy under his skin.
He could feel the tears coming again as he thought about all the other possible ways Asher could have been harmed.
There was smoke inhalation to consider, the blow to his head could have caused some serious damage, any injuries from falling debris when he was knocked unconscious...
Cailen could come up with a long list if he let himself but he had to stop thinking about it unless he wanted to become a blubbering mess.
Tears were already burning his eyes, one escaping and sliding down from the corner of his eye to be soaked up by his hair.
Asher had to be okay, he had to make it out of this.
He had to come home with Cailen. He was going to. He was going to be fine. He was going to come home.
Cailen kept telling himself this as he laid there but even as he kept repeating those words in his head, he found it hard to actually believe them.
*****
"Cailen?"
Cailen heard his name being said softly in the dark room.
He lifted his head, turning to look to the door but then he saw Madeline beside his bed and was startled into a sitting position.
He hadn't heard the door open and wondered just how far inside his head was he.
"Is there any-" Cailen started to ask immediately but Madeline was already shaking her head.
"No, I don't know anything yet." She said, pulling over a chair and taking a seat beside the bed. "I came to check on you, how are you doing?" She asked, reaching out to cover his hand with hers.
Cailen shrugged, looking into his lap.
"I'll let you know when Asher comes out of there." Cailen mumbled, knowing he wouldn't be okay until Asher was okay.
Madeline nodded, seeming to understand this.
"I called William," She started, making Cailen's eyes widen.
Right, he had to tell William and Noah and Matthew.
Oh gosh, and Ezekiel. What about Ezekiel? What time was it? Did he have to pick him from school yet?
He had been too wrapped up in his mind to even think about everything else he had to do.
"I told him what was going on. Of course he wanted to come down here right away but I told him he should probably go and get Zeke when he's off school. I called the school as well to let them know to let Zeke go with William. He's going to take him back to your flat until you say otherwise." Madeline explained.
Cailen sighed in relief, falling back into the bed.
"Thank you, Madeline. I- I completely forgot- I'm a horrible father." Cailen mumbled, raising his hand to press the heel of it into his eye.
He could feel the tears coming again, this time out of frustration and exhaustion.
"Now, now. You're not a horrible father, you're a worried husband and I'm sure it would have clicked eventually. I just thought I would help out." She said, her voice gentle.
Cailen had to look away. If he saw her empathic face, he'd lose it and right now, he was trying to keep it together.
"Thank you." He repeated quietly.
"Now, you should get something to eat. It's nearly the end of your shift." Madeline said standing up.
Cailen hadn't realized he had been in here that long. He also realized that it was quite a long time for Asher to be in the ICU.
"I'm not hungry-"
"Don't give me that. You're eating, you need to keep your energy up." Madeline said firmly.
She pulled on Cailen's wrist, pulling him into an upright position again.
Cailen begrudgingly swung his legs over the edge and hopped off the bed, his legs feeling much sturdier than they had a few hours ago.
Madeline ordered him to go to the cafeteria and get something to eat, saying she'd be down in a minute to make sure he was actually eating. Cailen grumbled out an agreement, stopping to grab his phone on the way.
He didn't know how Madeline expected him to actually stomach some food. He already felt sick to his stomach just thinking about Asher's arm and how lifeless he looked when he passed in the hallway.
He didn't think he'd be able to keep it down but he also didn't think Madeline would accept anything else.
Cailen felt off walking down the hallway.
He wasn't used to being a distressed relative of a critical patient.
He was used to walking down the hall and giving out happy smiles to anyone who looked a little down.
He wasn't used to the weight of exhaustion from worrying himself sick settling into his bones with every step that’s making walking seem like a chore.
He wasn't used to the nurses giving him sympathetic looks and uncertain smiles.
It was a bit off-putting and Cailen kind of wanted to just crawl back into the hospital room and stay there until someone came to tell him Asher was alright.
He was alright, he had to be.
When Cailen made it to the cafeteria, there were very few people in there, a girl staring at her phone in the back corner looking incredibly bored.
There was a family sitting at a table near the middle, the parents obviously distressed but trying to keep a happy smile on their faces for their children.
There was an elderly woman near the side with a tea cup in her had, staring into the cup with a solemn face and again, Cailen was hit with the fact that he was one of those people today.
He wasn't a nurse trying to get in a quick lunch.
He was a relative of a patient at the hospital, waiting for any kind of news.
Cailen got a ham and cheese sandwich and a juice box, taking a seat on the opposite side of the cafeteria away from everyone else.
Before starting to eat though, he pulled out his phone and saw that it was half past three and that William should be picking up Ezekiel right now.
He opened his contacts and hit William's number then placed the phone by his ear.
William answered immediately.
"How is he?" William asked instead of a greeting.
Cailen went to speak, to tell him he hadn't heard anything but he sort of choked on his words because he hated not knowing anything.
How did people do this? How did people sit here and not know what's going in there?
He always find it annoying when he was asked the same question over and over, especially when he had just told them he would come to them as soon as he knew anything, but now he understood.
"I don't know." He got out after clearing his throat. "Did you pick up Zeke?" Cailen asked, needing to not talk about Asher at the moment.
"Yeah, he's right here, we're just walking home." William said, his voice sounding a little strained. "Um, I know you don't know... But have you heard anything at all? Seen anything?"
"I saw them bring him in. It didn't look good." Cailen admitted, his tone sounding a bit dull and lifeless.
If he allowed himself to actually think about it, to actually feel it, he was positive he would break down in the cafeteria.