Chapter forty six
Unlike other times, it wasn't the gym tonight. Having lived within those life sucking walls of a hospital for years now, it was only fair for Noah to be treated like the "boss's older brother" for once.
At the thought, along with a few staff, Noah and I retired to my actual residence at the end of the day.
I vividly remember the look on his face while we drove in; jaws hanging open, eyes flared and an emotional amount of raw nostalgia.
When his attention switched from the pool to the house and me finally, he had tears on his face. "You own this?"
I'd smiled without necessarily granting any words. The moments were angelic; the kind I wished could last forever, as difficult as it was going to be.
Simon had been right earlier. If anyone were to tell Noah about my crimes, it was I. Even with the obvious knowledge looking me right in the face, I ignored and chose to live every single moment like the guilt of four lives wasn't weighing me down.
Lately,however, it had begun to feel much more difficult than it should have been. Now and then, the urge to let it all out and actually confess came to me. That urge never lasted longer than a moment; because right after, the realisation of the punishment I'd face if I came clean would immediately nullify that urge. So, at this point, I was confused.
If anything, I needed help in making a decision.
I was afraid the people around me would offer that one advice I didn't want to hear, the one I detested most.
Tell Noah the truth.
Like it was so easy. So finally, I'd decided to seek help from a friend I hadn't spoken to in a long time.
"Turns out God answers in the end, Jeff," said Noah as I pushed his wheelchair along and unto the slope that ended right on the front porch.
As soon as we made our way through the front pair of doors, the lights beamed into our view in an almost blinding array of every color.
It wasn't anything too new for me; but, of course my brother had that grin again as his eyes scanned through the entire space in amazement.
Now, I took the time to ponder over his last words. God might have answered his own prayers of liberty and wealth. However, as much as I also enjoyed that wealth, the liberty never really came, did it?
Maybe…just maybe, if I asked for it tonight one more time, He might grant it.
About an hour later, after shower and dinner, we'd said our good nights and retired to our bedrooms. At least I was sure everyone had.
As for me, there I was with my best friend called insomnia. The crazy condition that pulled both your eyes open and left it that way throughout the night for absolutely no reason.
When rolling from one side of the bed to another didn't get me to doze off, I pushed the duvet away slowly and placed my bare feet on the cold, pine floor. There at the edge of the bed, I sat, looking out the glass doors that led unto the balcony. The full moon came into view in all its glowing beauty and glory.
It cast shadows on everything in its path and seemingly let some of its rays all upon me.
The starry night sky. My favorite view when I was younger, where I used to look up to everyday and tell myself I was speaking to God.
Maybe, it had been me being delusional; but if a delusional thought brought me freedom, so be it.
"I don't exactly remember how I'm supposed to start speaking to you," I said, swallowing heavily with my eyes cast into the sky. Apart from my own voice, there was pin drop silence. Apart from the swooshing sound of the wind that made the curtains dance in it.
"But…" I went on, "… I hope you could look past all I've done and actually listen." Or else it would just be me, a crazy introvert speaking to himself.
"Despite all forms of warning I had received, I'd let my stubbornness drive me towards killing people with my own hands. I failed Mr Allendro, failed Noah…" my gaze fell on my clenched fist.
Cringing my eyes, I whispered "…and I failed you."
The wind continued to sway. By now, the cold brought with it a soothing aura that had begun to calm me.
Shutting my eyes, I waited. What was I waiting for? I don't know…maybe one of those angelic voices I heard in stories to actually speak to me.
When that didn't happen, I peeled my eyes open again and watched the sky. "They say you have answers. What do I do now? The guilt keeps lurking inside and deprives me of that one thing I've always wanted. Peace. If I could undo my actions, you know I'd do it with all pleasure. But since I can't, I want to know how to fix everything…please."
Never had I pictured myself ever doing this. I guess circumstances humbled people after all.
What had I been expecting all day?
I'd expected to pour out myself like this and actually receive a vision, a voice, some touch. Anything at all from above that provided me with the help I needed.
For that help, I was willing to be everything I'd never been before; patient, still, humble and rational. There and then, I tried to forget everything else, forget I had problems so that peace could overwhelm my insides.
After several moments of staring at the moon, I shut my eyes and bowed my head. The feeling of insomnia had slowly to leave as my eyelids suddenly got weighed with heaviness. The first sign of sleep.
There was a thought running through my mind that I tried my best to shut off, to ignore completely. Still, it lingered doggedly, forcing me to accept it as the answer I'd been searching for. It just couldn't be! Thinking about it now, my tears returned; it couldn't be my answer!
All day, what to do had been known to me. However, since it wasn't a decision I found pleasure in, I'd ignored it and tagged it as one of those signs of guilt playing with my head.
When I'd chosen this last resort of prayer, I'd been expecting something different. I'd been expecting that sort of aid that would make me happy; one that could grant me freedom without having to ruin my entire life.
However, thinking about it now… you never truly got to know what freedom was until you learned what prison meant.
So finally, after letting my reasonable side take over, I had settled at a final decision.
I was telling Noah. Whatever would happen could happen!