I never thought that the day I would meet her again would finally come. I've been living with regrets since then, but now. Meeting her again feels like a dream come true. There were a lot of things that I wanted to say to her, that I wanted to confess. There are a lot of confessions that I should make.
"I've been in love with you since the first time I met you. From the very start, it has always been you. I'm sorry for only saying this now. I'm sorry for acting like I never cared. I was stupid. I am shameless, I know. But I needed to tell you the truth about my feelings. When you confessed to me back then, I was really happy because I've always felt the same way as you. Maybe more than you, since I've known you a lot longer than you think. I've been looking for you in every partner that I have. I've been waiting for this day to come. I was waiting patiently for this day to come. Please, say something."
When I told her that, she was staring at me in shock. It was almost as if she didn't believe me. Well, I didn't blame her for that.
"I wanted to be a man worthy of your love."
I really do mean everything that I told her, and I was ready to be rejected. But looking at her, with her eyes filled with tears, I was shocked to see her like that. Everyone was staring at us weirdly, so I decided to pull her away from the crowd. She stayed silent until it was just us.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
Hearing her say that pained me. I wonder if I made her uncomfortable with my confession.
"It's okay if you rejected me. I just wanted to tell you how I feel."
I wanted to reassure her that she shouldn't feel bad for me. I wanted to tell her that I would be alright and that it didn't hurt me a bit. But that would just be a lie. Honestly, I wanted her to only look at me, to smile at me only, to only love me until the end of time. I wanted to be with her, to laugh together. to live life with her, always and forever. I wanted to be one of the ones she would call home.
"I will always remember you."
When she said that, I was confused. What does she mean by that? Is that her way of rejecting me? to tell me that she doesn't have any feelings for me? I seriously don't know. I wanted it to be wrong. I wanted her to tell me that she still had feelings for me. Is it wrong for me to hope?
"Would you believe me if I said that meeting you makes me want to experience love all over again?"
I felt like crying when she said that. Her hands were shaking as she took off her ring. I was confused, but I was too overwhelmed with happiness to care about anyone else's feelings for now. Why should I care about others when the person that I loved is in front of me, declaring their love for me?
"I promise myself to never love again. But why are you saying all of this now? Why are you making me feel this way? Why is it hard for me to forget you? We never really talk to each other. HECK! This is the first time we ever had a conversation. Why? Why now? After all these years, I was losing myself. I'm trying really hard to find the love that I deserve, so why are you only saying this now?"
She was crying. I never really thought about what she had been through for the past years. I've only ever cared about what I've been through. Seeing her now, crying, bcause of me. Probably the second time? I have no idea what to say to her. Am I being too selfish? I don't know why I hugged her, but I just don't know what else to do. I wanted to give her comfort, but I could only think of doing this.
"I'm sorry for being such a coward back then. I was not confident that I could love you. I was too scared of the thought of being together just to end up hurting one another. I was never ready for commitment, for love. But after actually losing you from my life, I began to think that it was all worthless. I feel empty. I used to think that your relationship was wholesome. I too, wanted to be in that kind of relationship. I wanted to experience the love like you did. I thought that I was jealous of you for having experienced that kind of love. But truthfully, I was jealous of the person who received all your love and smiles. I envied them."
She somehow started to relax when she heard me talking about the good old days. I never really thought I would end up blurting everything out to her.
"I met someone who completed my world. I was so sure that we would be happy. I was so sure that we would be together until we grew old, but it was all just a beautiful nightmare. You know what he told me back then? Feelings change; people do too. I hated myself so much for not being enough. I hate myself for not being able to make him happy. I was terrified to give my love, only to end up being completely destroyed. What makes you think that your confession is any different from that?"
When she asked me that, I was truthfully speechless. Because I know, I was never enough. I was never enough to be the man she deserved to have. I was deluding myself. I was stupid enough to think that she would still have the same feelings she used to have after all this time.
"I can't promise you forever and I could only use words to convey my feelings. But believe me, there was never a moment where I didn't think about you. You have always been on my mind since I was ten. Shocking right? We actually met when we were ten, but you never really noticed me back then. I have been curious about you since then. At first, I thought it was just jealousy. Since you were the opposite of me, you were happy and surrounded by everyone, always smiling and laughing. I wanted to be you. You were my perfect representation of an idol. At least for me, you saved my life. You make me happy."
When I said that, she was silent. I don't know what else to say since I'm afraid that she might be uncomfortable with all the details. I mean, I heard that myself. I sounded exactly like a stalker.
Totally a stalker.
"You know... You keep reminding me of the feelings that I'm starting to forget. The kind of love that makes me want to be a better version of myself, where I'm truly happy... For once, my heart felt like it was about to burst. It's embarrassing to hear all that. I feel like I won."
She started to smile as she said that. Her cheeks flushed red, as they always did. This really does feel like a dream come true. I still can't believe that we are here now, sitting next to each other. So close. Yet, so far, since she's still married to someone else, and that person wasn't me.
"Have you ever been in love?"
When she asked me that, I didn't know how to answer her. Because all this time, I never really knew if what I had was even considered love. I was happy, I think? But somehow, I would always end up completely empty. I never thought about this before, but now that she mentioned it, I wonder if I was ever in love? The only feeling that I remember was being suffocated with all the constant jealousy. I never really understood what love is. I never knew what it meant to give love. I wonder if they are even happy being with me?
"Why did you like me?"
She added as I stayed silent. I have my answers at the tip of my tongue, but words just don't want to come out. Why is it so hard for me to say it? What is causing my hesitation? What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? It wasn't a difficult question. So why is it hard for me to answer it?
"I loved the way you're always smiling. I love your laughter. I wish that I could be the reason behind your smile. I wanted to know everything about you. You make me curious. I was curious, why did you like me? We both know this, we barely talk to each other. Can you... tell me?"
I said, as she was a bit surprised when I asked that, but she answered it with the least unexpected answer. It was funny how she fell in love with me just because of my name. I mean, how could someone even do that? She doesn't even know what I look like, and yet, she still fell for me, my name. The name that I hated become the name that I'm grateful for.
"I really like your name."
She confessed, and I can't help but feel sorry for myself. What if someone else has that name? What would happen to us then? I wondered about that, and I'm so relieved that the name belongs to me. I don't want to imagine her falling in love with someone else just for their name. I can't imagine that and I don't want to.
"So what now? What happened after this?"
When she said that, I couldn't help but think about the next step. For me, I wanted to propose to her so badly. But she would feel burdened since she's still married to someone else... I was so ashamed. I hated the fact that I was always too late for everything. I hated that I wasn't next to her.
"I love you. I will always love you. Even if you grow tired of me. Even if you're bored of me, I won't give up on you. Even if I'm wrinkly and old, I won't stop saying that I love you. It's really terrifying to say all this just to end up being rejected. I know, I was never enough for you. Heck, I never even had a chance to be in your life. But I don't want to give up. Give me a chance, yeah? Give me a chance to steal your heart."
I know I sounded so shameless. But I'm desperate. I don't want to lose her again. I was done waiting. I was never a fan of waiting in the first place, but for her, I would wilingly do it.
"I don't really get you. You could find someone else, but why are you insisting that you love me still? How are you so sure about that?"
Because I wanted to prove to her that what I said to her, everything that I was saying, was my true feelings. I wanted her to see that I was serious. I waited years for the chance to meet her again. Waiting a little more won't hurt me, right?
"I honestly don't know how to explain it in words. All I know is that my heart beats when I think about you. The emotions that I didn't even know I had, have been drowning me in whenever you're around. Of course, I could try and learn to love again, but I choose not to, because I'm sure the feeling I'm having is real. My mind and my heart only wanted to be suffocated by the thoughts of you. To be drowned in your love, accepting your comfort. I'm willing to wait even for a thousand years."
For a moment, she was silent. But I was surprised to hear what she told me next.
"I got divorced two months ago."
When she said that, I couldn't help but sigh in relief. What the heck? I was so worried that I might get rejected that I wanted to bury myself. Goodness me. I can't believe that hearing that made me lose my mind. I was happy. Delightful. I can't believe how terrified I was before, but now I see how destiny really wants us to be together.
"Will you marry me?"
Finally, I said it. I've been waiting for this day for so long. I've been dreaming about this for eternity. I've been yearning for her love since forever, now that we are here. In front of each other, confessing our feelings? I don't know what else is even more perfect.
"What makes you think that I will marry you just because I'm divorced?"
She spoke, and I had never really thought about that yet. She did have a point... Why would she marry me? I wondered about that. But I don't want to give her up. I can't, not after I've come this far. I'm not going back down so easily.
"What makes you think that I still have feelings for you? After all this time?"
She added, Wow, that hurts. Reality hits me like a truck now that I've realised what she's saying is actually the half truth of what I don't want to believe. This is too much. I feel like crying. Damn you, Ryan, for being such a jerk! I was desperate. I wanted her to love me, but what can I do now that she no longer feels the same way? It's painful. But to my surprise, she was staring at me with comfort in her eyes. Why? Why are you looking at me like that when you don't feel anything towards me? Why are you giving me hope? I wanted to give up. I wanted to let go. But I don't want to stop trying. I can't.
"I, Ryan McLaren, promised to make you happy for the rest of our lives. To stay and live together until we grow old. I wanted to be there to experience all the seasons. I wanted to see your smile. I wanted to be the only man that you loved. I wanted to be your world, your everything. I wanted us to trust each other, to love and care for one another. I give my all to you."
She was smiling as I said those words to her. Her smile was so beautiful that I was overwhelmed with happiness. This is not a damn dream.
"I gave my all to you, Ryan Mclaren."
I am the happiest man alive. I knew that our love had just begun, but heck. I don't even know what will happen to us in the future, but I'm willing to sacrifice everything for her. too much? Well, that's just the way I feel. Being in love, experiencing love all over again. I was indeed happy with her. I never thought that this love, my love towards her, could actually come true since I was a selfish bastard to begin with. She makes me happy, she completes me, she was my everything, she makes me want to feel love, to experience love all over again, to feel love. To be loved.
To actually learn how to give love to the one that matters.
She was everything I ever wished for in this life, she had always been the one who managed to steal my heart.
"Thank you so much for loving me."
I believe that this is only the beginning of a great love story. I am sure, positively sure, that I am madly in love with her. 'Til the end of time, she was the best thing that has ever happened to me. She complete me. Like a puzzle, she was the perfect representation of the pieces that completed me.
Until I meet you again in the next life, I will love you with all my heart.
Your love,
Ryan McLaren