Six years have passed since then, and I have never met her again after that. I always wondered where she is now. What has she been up to? I hope that she's living a happy life. It was such a shame that I never got to confess to her even after all these years. I was too much of a coward.
"She's getting married."
When I heard that, my whole world started to crumble to pieces. Of course, that day would come someday, she'd finally found the love of her life. I never really thought that I would cry. I mean, why would I? We were never even together to begin with. But I just can't explain it really well. It feels great to know that she's happy. But at the same time, I wish I was the one sitting next to her. I wanted to be the one to hold her hand, to promise each other forever. To experience life together. I wanted it to be me. Even until the end, I was being shameless.
It hurts so much.
The moment I realised that I loved her, was the day I lost her. But, I was too late for everything. To her, I'm just her stupid crush. It was devastating, but I still hope that she's happy.
She deserves to be happy.
After she got married, I never heard any more about her. It's like she disappeared again. But this time, she's never coming back because she was happier, I s it bad that I still wish for her to remember me?
I don't know.
Even after all these years, I've been trying to forget. But all my relationships never worked out. It will always remind me of her. Everything about her makes me stop believing in happily ever after with anyone else. I could never imagine my future without her. I know I have no right to say this. I don't deserve any of her love for all the things that I've done. But still, without her. My life was meaningless.
From the start, she was the one I'd been yearning for, I was jealous of the people around her for being so close to her, while I couldn't even do that myself. I was jealous of the affection that she gave others. I was angry with myself, I was never worthy of her love. I always wondered...
What made her love me back then?
She did confess to me, but she never told me. Why? How? How can she love me when we barely talk? How can she love me for years despite the fact that we've never made a single promise? How can she do that? Why hadn't she confessed earlier? Why is it so hard for me to forget about her? There are a lot of unanswered questions because I can't bring myself to ask her that.
I never wanted to be in love, but she makes me jealous of the love that she gave others. It makes me curious about what it felt like or how it would go for me.
My illusions of love were based on her.
It has always been her.
Why haven't I realised that from the start? Why is loving someone so difficult? Even if I tried really hard to forget, it was really hard, I am such a fool. I wish that I could meet her again. When that day comes, I will tell her everything, even if she never reciprocates my feelings. It will be enough to keep me going, As long as she knows, I wanted to be a man worthy of her love.
Perhaps in another life, if I were given the chance to love again. I will find her.
"What does falling in love feel like?"
I wonder about that too.
"When both your mind and heart get completely taken over, you will know it."
I see now, My heart and my mind have always been yearning for one person: her. Although I used to be terrified of the thoughts of "being together" because I didn't want to be hurt, because I don't want to feel pain. But every time I imagined my life without her, I was even more terrified. I don't want her way out of my life.
But who am I to say that when I am a fool? A coward and a selfish bastard?
Is it wrong for me to wish? I wanted to give up. Every day I wish that I could forget. But it was really hard to do so.
"What makes you think that forgetting someone is easier than loving someone?"
It was really hard. I was on the verge of giving up my feelings for her. But somehow, destiny wanted us to meet again.
"Class Reunion."
I was looking forward to that day, to meet her again. Finally, after all these years, I could finally tell her how I felt, to get these feelings out of my chest. I was ready to be rejected. I don't care if she did reject me after all. All that mattered now was for me to meet her, again.
She still looks as beautiful as ever.
I can't help but feel regret. Why did I reject her when she was the one I'd been yearning for? I was too late to realise all that. Meeting my old classmates again was overwhelming. But seeing her is the only reason I'm here today.
"Hi."
I did approach her at first. And this time, her cheeks flushed red. Oh, how I miss that side of her. I wanted to tease her, but I decided to keep it to myself. I had no idea how much I missed her until I was right next to her. It was like a dream come true. I've been waiting for this day, yet why am I still hesitating?
"Why are you being such a coward now?"
I sighed as I noticed the ring on her finger. She's someone else's lover. Should I really tell her that I love her? I don't know.
"I never imagined the day we would talk to each other would finally come."
She said with a smile, how I miss those smiles. She's finally smiling at me with the smile that I've been yearning for. It was delightful. I never thought that I would feel this giddy after seeing her smile. It makes me feel like a high school kid again. It was nice.
"It was like a dream come true."
She added, as I was frozen to my feet.
What?
"What, have you been dreaming about this day?"
I joked as she blushed even more. WOAH. This is my first time seeing her like that. This is bad. My heart can't take this.
"Well, of course, you were my crush back then."
She added as she laughed playfully. Back then, No. Tell me that you still have feelings for me. Please?
"What about now?"
I asked as she stayed silent. Please?
"I don't know."
She smiled, but it seemed forced. It is now or never, Ryan. Tell her about your feelings! Sh*t This is really hard.
"I have always liked you."
It came out as a surprise when I actually said those words, because I didn't really know what to say to her after actually meeting her. I was nervous. Is this normal?
"My sixteen-year-old self would be crying with happiness if she heard this."
She laughed off my confession as a joke.
"What about you, now?"
I was desperate. I needed to know if she still had any feelings for me. I was stupid back then, but I've been waiting to see her again for years.
I'm going to confess my real feelings.