I was selfish. It was stupid of me to wish that she only had eyes for me when I hurt her. I have no right to ask her to do that.
"I'm going to confess today."
Frederick told me since we're close now. I was surprised to hear that. Something in me secretly hopes that he gets rejected. I wish she would reject you. Perks of being classmate, Frederick knows that she used to like me. I think one of the reasons he told me about him confessing was to show that she'd forgotten about me, and that he's serious about her. It's annoying. I hated it so much. But I can't really say anything since I don't deserve to. I can't bring myself to think about it. I don't want to imagine them being together.
It's making me uneasy.
Will she accept his feelings? Are they going to be together now? I was curious indeed, I don't want her to fall for him. Why am I feeling this way?
"Will you be my boyfriend?"
A junior of mine confessed to me. I don't really know her; it's weird how she could fall in love with me when we never talk to each other. She even got the courage to confess so boldly. I honestly don't know what to say to her. It would be embarrassing for her to be rejected in front of everyone... So I decided to accept it. Maybe this will help me forget about my worries?
I wonder.
Being in a relationship doesn't excite me anymore. I feel like a puppet being controlled by my girlfriend to do everything that she likes. Is it supposed to be like this? It feels forced. Going on a date, making promises, sharing secrets, repeated phone calls and messages. It's too much work.
It's extremely irritating.
It's really hard to be happy when there's a lot of trouble being "in love". How many times do I have to say "I Love You" for her to be satisfied? It feels like I am trapped in this relationship. This relationship was destroying me, so I decided to end it. And of course, I was called an asshole for doing that. I was to blame for hurting her, but it doesn't feel right to continue being together when I don't feel happy in that relationship.
"She rejected me."
Fredrick mentioned that as a relief washed over me. I don't know why, but I feel relieved. Maybe this is destiny showing me that I still have my chance to confess?
Wait.
Am I really going to? Am I ready to be in a relationship again after what happened last time? I have no idea. But when I think about her, her smiles and laughter gave me the confidence to love again, I think...
I DON'T KNOW
I was selfish. I knew it from the beginning. I was never a good person and I don't deserve her love. But still, I wanted to try it, to win her heart. For real, this time. I did say that, but I was too late. She never showed up to the graduation ceremony. She even changed her phone numbers, and it seems like her close friends also don't know what happened to her after the last day of school. I was too late. It's like she just disappeared. I couldn't find her on social media. Even her Facebook account has been deactivated. I can't find her anywhere. I was too late for anything.
She's really gone now.
It's been two years since I last saw her. Still, she's been on my mind. It was my biggest regret that I never got the chance to tell her that I liked her. I was such a fool.
I tried to forget her.
To find someone else to fill my world. But it doesn't feel completely real. There's something that's missing. I don't know what it was, but I can't seem to feel the emotions that I'm feeling towards her. I've finally realised this now after she finally let go of her feelings for me. I was being shameless. But I wish that she would remember me still. I wanted to see her again so badly that I dreamt about meeting her in my dreams. She was smiling. She looked so happy.
With someone else.
I refuse to believe that, I can't bring myself to imagine her being with someone else. It's hurting me. I don't want to even think about it. Moving on was really hard. For two years, I was stuck in the same place. For some reason, I can't forget about her. It was difficult to explain all this when I don't even feel this way towards my ex girlfriends.
Why is it different?
I never understood why, I wanted to love again. But it was really hard. It either felt suffocating or boring to me. Relationships make me terrified, It used to be fun to be in love. Going on dates.. But now it is really hard to meet new people. I felt like I was back to being the old me, someone who can't make friends. I wonder what will happen to me... I went to a college that is far from home. I chose that college since I feel like I wouldn't be able to move forward if I stayed.
Maybe this is really the end for me?
I was never enough to be in her life from the start. She was a whole universe compared to me. Still, I wish that I could at least meet her again.