Chapter Twenty-Six - Not Your Second Option
"Christmas is in five days honey," the girl purred, clinging onto his arms tenderly. "---where shall we go?"
"Anywhere you want," he said in a glazed, lovesick tone.
I scrunched my nose, overhearing the conversation of people I pass by while I head to school. That's right. Christmas was in five days and while I like the idea of a cold, toasty celebration----hearing couples and people everywhere gush about what to do during Christmas was enough for me to bawl my eyes out.
It's just one day anyway. People act like they won the lottery or they need to spend it with someone to feel accepted. It's all hype anyway. Once that time ticks to 12, the fun is over and it'll feel just like another empty day.
I'm not being a downer, but rather I was just stating the harsh truth that people won't like to admit to themselves—which is true.
So far, there isn't snow yet and I'm very bummed. Whenever snow came, I'd immediately ball up snowballs and chuck it at Lance when he wasn't watching.
It was a tradition of ours and whoever is a second late gets whipped in the face like a loser. Maybe there won't be snow; maybe this time I won't be chucking snowballs at Lance's face.
Maybe...things won't be back to normal.
I tightly wrap my scarf around my neck whilst I passively walked around the block that I've passed through my entire existence. It has been two weeks since he said it. He needed space and I understood that. But hasn't this been going too long?
'You're so insensitive'. Is what I want to say at him when he feels like it's good to talk to me again like he didn't just chuck me under the bus.
He could at least flash me a small smile or a small gesture to make it seem that we're still on good terms. Then again, I'd be a hypocrite anyway. Since when have I been considerate around his feelings? I've been too prideful and egotistical all this time that maybe this was my punishment.
Yeah right. I snickered bitterly as I shoved my hands under my pockets and bustled through the street with the cold, mild air breezing me.
. . .
"I don't think we can eat here, Avery," Emily frowned as she stood by my side staring at the school garden—which was our hang-out.
All of a sudden, it had a sign posted up which was printed in cheap paper that would surely rip when it rained. "No trespassing. Under maintenance."
I bit my lip, suppressing the urge to kick off the stand and tear the paper into shreds as my answer to their stupid advisory. Since when did they ever care about this place?
As far as I've known, no one even goes to this place and no one cared. The grass was starting to become overgrown—a sign of neglect and now they put this crap up? Is it me or is everyone pissing me off? If this is some test, then I'm failing right now.
"Avery," Emily placed a hand on top of my shoulder, then squeezed it gently. "---I think we should eat inside. The temperature is also not safe for long periods of time out here and we might catch a cold."
"Then you go," I snapped back, clenching my fists. "—I'd rather eat at the bathroom then eat at that damn cafeteria with everyone else."
"Don't be stubborn, Avery," Emily scorned. "---we can eat with Rhea, Leila and May at their table, okay?"
I clenched my fists to my distaste, then I heaved a sigh, trying to control my emotions. I might be acting like a drama queen, but I can't help it.
"Fine," I grumble in annoyance, pursing my lips as I kicked off an imaginary rock to ease my anger.
"Glad to have you here Avery and Emily!" Rhea grinned, leaning forward in interest while Leila listened attentively all the while biting a fry off and with May stealing some of Leila's fries. "—the more the merrier, right?"
"Thank you again Rhea," Emily smiled warmly. "---we would be clueless where to sit."
"That's true," Leila chimed in. "---this cafeteria feels like a hierarchy if you ask me. You'd be humiliated if you sat at a table where it's not "yours."
"Hey, hey I have a story to tell!" May butted in, enthusiastically waving her arms to gain our full attention with a wide, stupid beam on her face. "----I heard that if you say Bloody Mary three times on the mirror, she'd come after you. Guess what I did?"
"You idiot," Leila smacked May in the head, earning a loud owwie from May. "---you want a death wish or something?"
"I didn't know you believe in superstitions and rumors like that, Leila," Emily gawked and at the same time felt amused.
"Well it's better to be safe than sorry. We only have one life and this idiot here is carelessly wasting hers."
"You're always so harsh on me Leila!" May pouted, scrunching her brows. "---geez! You're not my mother you know? And I'm older than you by a year."
"That's all the more the reason I need to stay watch on you," Leila narrowed her eyes. "---you'd be a danger to society with your idiocy."
"Don't mind them," Rhea lightly interjected, smiling wryly. "---they're always like that. But trust me, Leila cares about May so much."
"Tough love huh?" Emily murmured to no one in particular.
I zoned out on their conversation—obviously since I wasn't interested and I wasn't keen on speaking or listening to what they were saying. My eyes drifted to the different people at the cafeteria. Some of them are familiar, my old classmates and people I'd rather forgot I knew.
There was Alfonso who sat by the far corner speaking with his geek friends as they are probably gushing about comics and intelligible things whatnot. Then my eyes darted to the table positioned near to the door. It was him and Hannah.
I wanted to look away, but my eyes stayed fixated on them. It seems they've gotten chummy over each other and I'd observe Hannah fluttering her eyes every two seconds while she brushed her hand on his arm.
He was laughing at something with his shoulders heaving upwards followed by a loud roar of laughter.
Then my heart makes a slight squeeze. I didn't want that stupid thing to affect me since it was something so corny and out of character, but I couldn't help it.
I could only stare at them with him growing farther every second that ticked.
Why can't he at least look at me once?
Am I really that unlikeable that he realizes I'm not worth it anymore after being with Hannah? Maybe it was for the best. We were just two people who somehow became friends by mistake. I knew that and it still sucks like someone jabbed me in the sides.
Even if I like him, we were first of all friends. He was my friend and now he was just going to be someone I used to know. That all those times I spent with him would be just memories that I'd forget when time passes by.
It honestly bums me out and it makes my throat restricted with all these thoughts boggling my heart and mind.
Maybe if I had said something, then I could've salvaged our friendship.
Maybe if I was ready...we could've been something. But all of those would be just mere what ifs now. I'm no longer important to him---as far as what I see with him not even batting an eye at me.
"Hey Avery? You alright?" Emily slightly shakes me out of reverie, her crystal blue eyes stare at me in concern. "---you've been staring at---someone all this time."
"Ooh! A crush?" May oblivious to the situation, chimed in enthusiasm. "—do tell!"
"Idiot!" Leila hissed at her. "---shut your mouth, will you? You totally don't know how to read the atmosphere."
"I'm fine," I said in a calmer tone. I was quite surprised with myself for keeping myself poised. "---I'm just tired."
Leila motions to open her mouth to say something but Rhea shakes her head, likely telling her that something she was going to say was gonna hurt me.
I'm not some fragile girl okay? As much as things suck, I won't just cry and let the world shit on me.
I feel uncomfortable and angry. Uncomfortable because I'm the only one who cares and angry because all the memories we spent were probably nothing to him anymore.
Even if he chooses to come back, it'd be too late.
Our friendship would diminish to nothingness and I'd be too hard to get along with him when that time comes. Hannah would persuade him to never talk to me and wrap him around her finger. That's what she's good at anyway: being selfish and unreasonable. She's always insecure and anxious about how people think of her.
It makes me sick.
"I'm kinda nervous, Avery," Oskar says in an unnerve tone right beside me, rubbing his palms to his pants in a paced manner like he's going to piss himself.
As much as I want to tease him about it, I wasn't feeling it.
The cold weather makes me feel dreary. That's the only sensible reason why I'm such a downer today.
"It'll be alright," I half-heartedly replied. "---we worked hard on the project and if you stumble your words, then I'll save you."
"You sound so masculine and cool right now, Avery," he slightly laughed, seemingly less tensed by now. "---yeah, alright. I'll be counting on you, partner."
"We can't fail now, can't we?" I retorted, then snapped my attention in front when the subject teacher arrives, a laptop tucked on his underarm and some grading papers.
Now that Oskar mentioned it, it's even more nerve wracking now.
I've been so occupied with other things that I couldn't feel anything besides being numb. Since so many things happened, Oskar and I worked our butts off overtime just to finish the damn project.
He even climbed up a tree to entertain people who'd watch it like he'll earn a medal if he falls and breaks his back.
As names were called off one by one to report shortly and present their projects, my eyes stared clouded off the windows just right beside me. There was still that damn volleyball practice that seems to never end. It's literally freezing cold right now and they're wearing shorts—like how numb must they be to not feel a single shiver.
"Tom Beckett and Hannah Minami."
My ears perk up to names being called. I reluctantly faced up front, preparing my stone hard face before I go on a mental breakdown. I would admit that I was quite hesitant to find out what they would show for the past few weeks they've spent together.
If I could, I'd run and hide away to numb myself and pretend that it doesn't hurt—but all I'm doing is running away. That's all I'm good at doing.
"Good afternoon guys! This is my partner Tom and I'm Hannah!" she beamed in her well intonated tone that everyone loved so. Call me insecure, but whatever.
The class lightly laughs in response to her introduction. They started off by explaining their motive and whatnot while my eyes absentmindedly stared into those olive eyes.
As corny as it seems, I missed it. How it would light up and many other things.
I was acting like a girl right now that I mentally slapped myself.
The clip began with some cheesy pop music and it starts with Tom grinning and smiling at the camera while Hannah chuckled on the other side of the camera.
Then it escalates to them going roller skating with hands holding each other for support to buying ice cream at the Hans Ice cream. It pans out to the camera walking with Hannah to the park at night and zooming at her face with a picturesque view.
The more I watched them, the more it feels excruciating. Like I'm being forced to watch this with my eyes placed near chopped onions. Onions. He cried over onions once. I couldn't help but let out a bittersweet smile.
It really sucks. It makes me feel like a fucking loser; like they're just laughing in my faces. Showing me how happy they can be with each other. That they're better off being together.
Can somebody just turn my switch off? It feels as if I'm living some romance novel with the cheesiest and most cringey story ever. I hate this feeling of how girlish and affected I am right now.
I want to hurt him. Not physically but maybe emotionally. I didn't want to feel like a loser. I don't want to feel like I lost. There was no competition but I hate feeling this way; this helpless and heart broken by some guy.
"Oskar Matthews and Avery Summers."
Without any thought, I stood up at the same time as him and grabbed Oskar's hand, intertwining it with mine. He paused, looking at me in confusion and dismay all the while his hands didn't reciprocate back the warmth it emitted.
Sorry. Was what I wanted to mutter to him, but all I could do was lower my head and squeezed his hand tightly for assistance. I wanted to get back at the guy; to hurt him in where it would it hurt.
I was being petty now and yes, I'm a scum for using Oskar but I can't stop myself.
If this pains him to see, at least for a short while, then I'd feel at ease.
I'm such a hideous monster behind this skin of mine.
I could feel their gaze pan at our hands now intertwined at once whilst we made our way out front. Oskar didn't bother to say a thing and his blank face didn't help the situation at all.
Oskar might and would hate me from this. He's probably disappointed that someone like me would stoop low to this pettiness.
A person chimed, breaking the silence. "Why are you holding hands? That's so suspicious!"
I opened my mouth to murmur an excuse but Oskar cuts me off, forcing up a smile. "Avery wanted to hold my hand. She has stage fright, that's why. I mean that's normal, isn't it?"
"But locking hands? Isn't that too over fetched?" another one chuckled.
"I'd appreciate it guys if you stopped asking questions, okay?" he smiled, snarky.
Then he plays the film without batting an eye at me once. Our film starts off with me cooking some pancakes and transitions next to him climbing the tree with difficulty like an idiot.
"Get down idiot!" I screamed, zooming the camera to him grinning whilst he was sitting on the branch of an old tree, almost giving up to his weight. "---you're going to fall and die!"
"You're exaggerating," he brushes me off, even slightly bouncing off the branch like he's testing its sturdiness.
"Fine! Be an idiot in front of everyone because you like being a masochist that much!"
Some people chuckled; some also showed their concern with their expression.
"Don't worry about it!" he shouted back, placing a hand near his mouth. "---I'm strong as rock!"
"Rocks easily break you mongrel!"
"Oh."
Then our clips went on from running in the park and such and while people were invested with that, Oskar hasn't broken into a smile or amusement while watching it with me.
"Avery," he called out while I was on my way out to the locker as he leaned on the wall with a faint smile on his face.
I reluctantly head closer, gripping tightly on the straps of my bag. "Yeah?"
"I'm not your second option," he smiles sourly. "---as much as I understand your feelings, I hope you also understand mine. You can't just use me like that to provoke Tom."
"You're better than that."
"I know."
He steps closer and stands inches from me. "I respect you and like you so much that I don't do anything about how I feel. You don't know how much I'm trying not to hold and wrap you around my arms."
My eyes widened as I stared at him who says it with sincerity. "That's why I'm not taking advantage of this situation by being your second option; your rebound when things go wrong."
"If you love him, then you must do it heartily."
He lightly pats my shoulder and walks away. I could only stand as I stare at his back growing further until not a trace of his silhouette was present.
As if things weren't sour than it is now, Emily calls out from behind me.
"Let's talk."