Chapter Twenty-Nine - Pride and Ego
"Do you really see me as your friend, Avery?"
I paused, eyeing her intently. Emily looks at her coat somberly, fiddling with the hem of the cottoned fabric. What is she saying all of a sudden?
Kelly awkwardly shifts, flickering her gaze to the blinds of my room.
I replied. "Of course I do."
"Sometimes I feel lonely," Emily trailed off, a bittersweet smile etched her lips. "---you never tell me almost anything Avery. You also don't want me to help you. I don't know if I'm really that untrustworthy to you."
"You know that I'm here," she flicked her gaze to me, eyes sparkling with tears. "—if you ever need comfort or support, I'm here. That's what friends are for."
"I know."
"Then why wouldn't you tell me anything?" she faltered, voice croaking. "—when you were bullied, you didn't even tell me. It's always as if I'm the last one to find out about you."
"I may sound selfish right now," she looked dejectedly at the wooden tiles. "---but I want you to be honest with me, Avery. I want to know you better; to let you trust me."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do to gain your trust. But I trust you Avery."
I couldn't find the right words to say. Was I neglecting her? That this was how she truly felt?
I know that I haven't confided my problems with her, but she always seemed fine with it. Maybe because I was still skeptical or that I didn't want to bother with it.
This really reminded me of how rusty I am with friendships. Tread it with care, because friendships are either fragile or stronger than anything else.
"I tend to keep my feelings bottled," I started off, glancing at my clasped hands on my lap. "—I'm not good with expressing how I feel and my ego gets in the way, making me unable to admit how I truly felt."
"It's not that I don't trust you," I eyed her sincerely. "—it's just that I don't know what to do when it comes to things like this. People didn't care about me, about how I felt when they eyed me like a parasite—so I thought that telling what I felt to you was unnecessary. Some people don't like others telling their problems or having to deal with it."
"So I didn't want to make you bored or tired with my problems," I squeezed my hands. "—because some people want friendships that are only filled with happy moments and never the hard times."
"So I apologize if you felt that way."
"W-why are you crying?" I frantically gazed at her, watching tears trickle down her eyes like waterfalls.
Kelly places a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently.
"Because!" she sniffed whilst she smiled like a buffoon. "—you're stupid, Avery. More stupid than me! I'm not that shallow, you know?"
"You're not my friend for convenience only. You are my friend because I wanted to laugh, talk and share your burden with me together."
"So you care about me, right?" she croaked, wiping her tears with the sleeves of her shirt.
"Idiot. Of course I do," I shake my head, whilst a ghostly smile was plastered on my lips.
"I've never felt this touched my entire life," she wiped her tears with her knuckles. Kelly lightly chuckles along with her.
"Geez. You guys are so emotional," Kelly murmurs. "—I was planning to roll towards the door since it was so personal and I felt like barging in."
"Sorry about that," Emily eyed her. "---I'm just very emotional right now."
"I can see that."
"Alright Kelly," Emily lingered her sight at Kelly, who in turn scrunched her brows in confusion.
"I went here for one goal."
"That is to help this stubborn woman confess her feelings for Tom."
"Wha----"
"I knew it!" Kelly sprung up in an instant, pointing an accusing finger at me. "—you like him!"
"Emily!" I hiss, my cheeks flushed red by her sudden confession. "---you weren't supposed to say that!"
"I felt like I could trust her," she grinned, lightly bumping shoulders with Kelly. "—also you're cousins, it's not like she's just some stranger."
Kelly grinned back. "Awww. Thanks."
"So basically, there's this girl called 'Hannah' who's leeching off Tom," Emily started, sounding seriously as if we're on a life or death situation. She sometimes scares me when she's so focused.
Kelly nods seriously, lips and eyes gaze with intensity like a dog following their master's orders.
"Tom likes her. She likes him. The problem is Avery won't confess."
"That's truly a big problem," Kelly murmured while lightly caressing her chin.
"Hey! I'm still here you know?" I screech, springing off my bed and lunged at them. "—stop acting as if you're on a press conference."
"This is very urgent," Emily gathered in a low tone. "—as Tomery shippers, we will do all we can to ensure a happy ending."
"Tom...ery?" I wrinkled my nose. What in the weird heavens is that?
"It's your ship name," Emily replied in a matter of fact, adjusting the bridge of her non-existent glasses.
"You guys are weird."
"Well, we have to plan how Avery will confess to him tomorrow," Emily ignores me, facing Kelly like two idiots speaking seriously about like what flavour was the best in a formal and curt manner.
It's so ridiculous I can't bear it.
"You don't have to do it," I stopped them, placing my hand in between them. "—he's already decided."
"Decided?"
"That he's giving up his feelings for me," I murmur. "—which is why he's distancing himself from me."
"EMILY! EMILY! Are you still breathing?!" Kelly frantically shook Emily's shoulders vehemently while the latter's pupils went over her eyes in a state of shock.
I rolled my eyes at their dramatic performance; it's like they're doing a comedy skit out of nowhere.
"He doesn't like me anymore," I whispered, feeling a slight knot on my chest. "---so just drop it and let me forget my feelings for him too."
"You absolutely can't!" Emily went back from the dead, grabbing my shoulders with her eyes wide. "—just because he said that, doesn't mean you can't do anything!"
"He said it himself."
"It's because you haven't told him your feelings, you---you woman!"
"Avery, you can't expect people to know how you feel without saying it out loud!" she raised her tone, her eyes flickering with so many emotions. "—you have to say it or he won't ever get it."
I grabbed her hands and pulled them off my shoulders. "I'm fine with it."
"Avery.." Emily wants to add something but Kelly stops her.
"He decided himself that he doesn't want to like me anymore and I respect his decision," I bit my lips.
"But what about you? Your feelings? Shouldn't you consider yourself too?" Kelly replied.
"It doesn't matter," I clutch to my chest, feeling the loud beating of my chest.
"You're such a little wuss, Avery."
Our eyes flickered to Laura standing in front of my door, leaning on the frame with a purse on her lips, barging on our moment.
W-was she listening the entire time?
She takes our silent and shock expression as her cue to head over to us. Her prideful and confident stride always manages to impress me. How she doesn't fear about what people say and how she chooses who she wants to be.
She takes a look at me, eyes piercing with nonchalance, then her hands swung and slapped me across the cheek.
Kelly and Emily both let out a gasp with their eyes widened while I stiffened, feeling the stinging pain on my cheeks. I was flabbergasted to the point I couldn't turn my face to look at her.
"Is that your resolve? How weak-willed of you."
"I'm utterly disappointed to have a cousin this weak."
I shakingly lift a hand on my cheek, feeling the pain numb me. "W-what do you mean?"
"I'm saying to swallow that damn pride of yours!" she screeched. "—"oh he said to me he'll give up on me so I should be a wuss and let him move on.""
"Was that...your impersonation of Avery?" Kelly eyed her weirdly.
"So what? See? That's how whiny of a bitch you are," she narrowed her eyes at me. "---if you like the guy, then say it in front of him! Only losers cower and give up!"
"You can't always run away to things that make you uneasy. You have to face it."
"Things won't change until you make a move," she stated. "---no one will wait for you. If you think he's going to come back, then you're wrong!"
"If you think things will eventually come to your favour like some sick-twisted miracle, then you're damn wrong," she looked at me dead in the eye. "---because it won't."
Her words felt like a coursing wave slapping me through my entire body; it's painful, harsh and would drown me along the crashing tide if I wasn't carefully. And yet, I somehow understood what she meant. It's like someone finally woke me up from my dazed state.
"Sis...that was too hars---"
"Shut up wuss."
"Stand up, Avery," she ordered, her height towering me, casting a shadow over my figure.
I reluctantly stood up, then faced her straight in the eye. "You want to be with him, right?"
My ego forbids me to admit things I know fully well and yet I didn't want to lie anymore. My fingers balled into fists, my lips struggle to utter the words I want to say that it feels threatening and suffocating.
The churn on my chest intensifies and deafens me with the rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins.
"I want to be with him.."
"Say it loud! Can't hear a thing!"
"No one's going to baby you Avery!"
"I...." I hesitate, then screamed, my throat parched dry whilst a sweat trickled from my temple. "—I want to be with him!"
"I—I miss him so much it's tearing me into pieces.." I cry, clutching on the hem on my shirt, trying to contain my surging feelings or I will fall. "—I want to be selfish. I want him back...I want him all to myself!"
"After all the things he said, the things he had done to capture my heart, he tears it apart!"
"He's the worst and he truly scammed me like a con-artist would," I whispered. "—swooning me with his flattering words and making me feel like I'm actually worthy of being loved."
"But.." I lowered my head, my face a hot mess and crinkled ugly. "—I still like him anyway."
"I can't beat Hannah," my voice falters out of energy. "—I'm not as pretty or on-going as her. I can't be that affectionate as her or charming like her. She's way better than me."
"But still it hurts me," I bit my lip, trying to suppress these stupid emotions from getting the best of me. "—how he looks like he's happy with her; that he made me feel like I wasn't worth the time after all. After all he said..."
I blinked away the tears that threatened to trickle off. "He said that he was on my side; that he'd stay with me and yet he broke that off..."
"Now it feels so wrong to ask him to love me again."
"You've done good," Laura murmurs, wrapping her arms around me while I felt so numb inside as her warmth soothes me. "—you don't need to say another thing."
It feels liberating to do so; to tell someone about how I truly felt. Laura was right..nothing would ever change if I never took a course of action.
I'm tired of suppressing my feelings because of my ego; because I'm scared of being rejected, of embarrassing myself. I always waited for someone to do things for me, to save me when I could've done it by myself all this time.
And that's why with the resolve I have in me...I'll
.........
With heavy footsteps and a heavy heart, I forced myself to stride across the sidewalk where it might break me, where I might lose or embarrass myself for the rest of my high school year.
But I won't cower anymore. I won't wait for someone to pick up my mess and help me fix it.
"Tom."
I called his name which felt foreign and tingly to my lips. He stops talking to Hannah, then finally locks gaze with me.
In the moment, I began to think that maybe I wasn't ready yet. That maybe this was all just a rush of adrenaline and motivation from Emily, Kelly and Laura's words and I was taken away.
His gentle yet fiery olive eyes lingered on me and it reminded me of how much I missed how those eyes would lit up.
"I..."
I struggle to find the words, for I could feel people look at us, for I could see in the peripheral of my eye Hannah's piercing glare and his intense stare at me. I feel like a fool who's fallen onto her own trap.
I clenched my fists, feeling my nails dig deeper to my palm and my chest deafening me to the point I might collapse.
"I've been lying to you and myself all this time."
"Is it too late for me to say that...that..."
"—that what my heart yearns for....is you?"
His eyes widened at the sudden realization of what I just said and before anyone could make a gesture, Hannah barges in, extending her arms in defense.
"What are you saying to my boyfriend, Avery?!"
Then without realizing, my feet carried me and I ran.