SAKI
Soren hired a nurse for me. For several months, I remained silent. I don't wanna talk at all. But I'm taking my vitamins... I'm also eating properly. What else should I fucking do? I have no choice. Someone's watching over me. If it weren’t for this nurse constantly around me, I probably would have drunk several cases of alcohol by now.
But I can't do shit. And I don’t even know if I should be grateful or angry that I can't do what I want. And the fact that I don't want this child—it just adds to everything weighing on my mind.
I don't want this. I don’t want to have a child. I am not even ready for this. And I fucking hate Grie. What exactly am I supposed to feel? Should I be happy? I'm tired of people telling me shit like, "That child is a blessing." Yeah, say that to women who got their babies because of rape, jackass. And I'm one of those women. If I could have aborted this child, I would have. But people just won't let me do what I wanna do.
And for fuck’s sake... this is not a blessing.
This is a curse.
Indeed. This is a curse. If only I had never met Grie again. If only I had listened to my sister from the beginning. If only I had paid attention to what people were saying before—they warned me about him. People did warn me. They told me to stay away from Grie—that it wasn’t right—that I shouldn’t—
But I didn’t listen.
I'm so fucking stupid. And where am I now? Here. Fucking pregnant.
I got out of bed and peeked out the window, watching the cars passing below. I’m on the 8th floor of a condo unit. I considered ending myself, but I can’t do that—look at this window—it has grills. I can’t even go out without someone accompanying me. I hate everything about my life. I don’t even know if this is still my life or if I’m just being controlled by other people. By the Ambersons? God, I hate that family. I hope they all burn in hell. I just fucking hate them—I don’t care if some of them are innocent—if I want to blame someone, I will blame them.
Even my own damn child.
"Saki?" I froze and turned to the door. The nurse was there again. I don’t know if my trust in men is so broken that I don’t even trust this one. He never did anything wrong to me; he’s just there, following me around wherever I go.
"What?"
"It's time to eat," he simply said before leaving.
"For fuck’s sake," I muttered as I sluggishly stepped out. There was food on the table in the living room. All home-cooked. I don’t even know if this is part of his job, but he always cooks for me. The smell of Nilaga wafted through the air. It smelled good. Smelled delicious. I never liked Nilaga before. I just don’t like pork, but it looks appetizing. Or maybe it’s because I’m pregnant?
"Aren't you even going to try going back to your wife?" I asked as I sat down. I glanced at him. There was a troubled expression on his face that I couldn’t quite read. "What?" I asked.
"You never talked."
I know.
I scooped some food onto my plate and started eating. As always, he sat across from me, watching as I ate. Maybe just to make sure I finished my food. That’s all Soren asked of him anyway. I don’t even know... I’m just gonna throw this up later. It always happens. If I had known pregnancy was like this, I would have jumped off a building rooftop when—
"After that, take this," he said, placing a single tablet on a tissue beside my plate. He didn’t even hand me a full blister pack. Do they think I’d take them all at once? Well, they’re right.
They’re always right. Every possibility they imagine—I will do it. I will definitely end myself if I ever get the chance. Because what’s the point of my life? I don’t even know anymore. How funny that I help people with suicidal thoughts, yet I can’t even help myself. I'm far worse than my patients.
"You can give birth at any moment," he said. "So, you should be taking care of yourself. Also, remove the nail polish from your nails. Prepare the clothes so they’re ready when we go to the hospital."
"I don't want the child," I blurted out. I looked up at him. My gaze met his dark eyes. I was telling him that I don’t want this for the first time—because he was right, I knew I could give birth at any moment. "What if I accidentally ended it?"
"Accident, right?" he asked. "Nothing will happen because it’s an accident."
"What if it’s intentional?"
He paused. He leaned slightly on the table and stared at me. Then he smiled—sarcastically. "Then you’ll be joining the person who put you in this situation—in jail and in hell. Sounds good?"
Fucking hell.
Is there really no way out for me?
I didn’t say another word. I took my vitamins and swallowed them. Then I stood up. Before leaving, I spoke, "My stomach has been hurting since last night."
I heard him curse. Probably because I didn’t tell him sooner.
I went straight to my room. Even though I didn’t want to, I packed baby clothes and my own things. I placed them in a single large travel bag so they’d be easier to carry. My mind felt blank. I didn’t know what to think.
Giving birth is painful.
It’s making me hate Grie more.
He already hurt me emotionally and mentally. He raped me. And now... this... giving birth... I hope I’ll die. The baby inside me is too important to them; maybe it will survive.
After packing, I just sat on the edge of my bed. I'm still questioning myself—questioning God. Out of all the evil people in the world, why me? I don’t fucking get it. I just don’t get it. How many times do I have to say I don’t want this child? No matter how many times I try to force myself to love the baby inside me because it’s mine—I just can’t. I just can’t. And it pains me a lot. I don’t even want to feel angry—but what else can I do? I really can’t help it. And besides... I wanted to get rid of this child from the start—because what can I even give this child? Pain? Bitterness? Trauma that comes from me? I don’t want to inflict that kind of suffering on a mere fucking child!
Why don’t they understand?
Why don’t they understand me?
Since the first day... I’ve already been hurting the baby inside me—emotionally. That’s why they’re keeping such a close watch on me, because the baby’s heartbeat is weak. I can also feel it. As time passes... it grows weaker. It scares me... it hurts... it makes me sad... I don’t know—I don’t know—but he’s alive. The child is still alive inside me. The doctor said he’s holding on strong. He even joked that this child is like some sort of monkey.
Maybe it’s a monkey.
You know...
I let out a small laugh. A tear slipped from my eye, and I wiped it away immediately. I just can’t find a reason to love this child. I haven’t even given birth yet, and I already don’t know what’s going to happen—what I’m going to do. But I’m sure of one thing...
It won’t be good.
Maybe my sister and I are cursed. No matter what we do... this is how we end up. The only difference is... my sister chose to become a demon herself. What if I do too?
The door slightly opened, and I looked up at the person peeking in.
"You ready?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Of course you are," he said as he stepped inside, grabbed the travel bag, and pulled me up. I didn’t complain as we headed to the hospital. They didn’t let us leave because, as soon as we got there, my contractions worsened. It was fucking painful. I just lay there, silently crying and cursing Grie. I don’t even know how many hours I was in labor.
And I thought labor was the worst pain. I pushed and pushed even though it hurt so much. I could feel myself tearing apart. But I didn’t stop. I just wanted the pain to end, so I kept going. Until finally, I caught my breath and heard the baby cry.
I shut my eyes, feeling sweat drip down my forehead. The pain was still there. It was overwhelming. My body felt weak.
So, I just lay there. I couldn’t even hear the people around me properly anymore. I was close to losing consciousness, but I felt them place something on my arm. When I looked, I saw the baby beside me.
I just cried.
Not because of happiness.
But because of pain.
He looked exactly like Grie.
So I turned away.
I just couldn’t look at him.
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