"The husband come to me and says: "My wife is cold, she does not react in normally way, I feel that she just endure the act of love, but she never invites me, she finds no pressure in it,"
"The wife comes to me and says: "My husband is too quick, I feel that he force me and abuse me , he never get enough."
Or she may say just the contrary: "he is always tired, I am longing but he turned his back to me and sleep, I think he is important.
There was roar of laughter which I had not expected, I had forgotten in that moment that impotence is a subject of great ridicule in Africa, an important men is considered as something less than human being, an African man fears impotence more than death.
"The disease of the physical aspect of marriage cause tremendous suffering to the marriage partner, just because they love each other and would like to make each other happy, they suffer all this more, where does this disease come from?
"In many cases the unfulfilled marriage is a direct or indirect fruit of the stolen marriage, when I say this, I am not thinking so much of venereal disease, no when I say that the stolen marriage often begets unfulfilled marriage, I am thinking of the superficial way of having intercourse with partners who are more less indifferent, under time pressure and in secrecy, involving only the body but not the heart, not the whole person.
"Again we can observe how the other two angles are affected by this disease, when the physical fellowship becomes torture, because it always ends with the disappointment on the part of one or both partners , one or the other will soon reproach his partner for lack of love.
Monotony grows , the personal relationship change into an impersonal mechanism, love grows cold, as soon as this happen, the temptations is great to satisfy sexual desire out side of marriage with a more responsive or more considerate partner, then the legal aspect of marriage is endangered, adultery and finally divorce are the consequences, this disease, too may lead to the deaths of the marriage if it is not cured in time."
I give an inward sigh of relief at this point, so far this had been the touchiest part of my lectures, but Daniel had interpreted with out hesitation and the older people had not seem to take offence.
I began again:
"For these who prepare them self for marriage, the practical question comes up, from which angle do we enter in to the marriage triangle?
"In general, there are three answer to this question, a traditional answer,a modern answer and the biblical answer, let us take them up one by one.
"The traditional answer proposes entering the triangle at the top angle, I would like to call it
                       The Wedding Entrance 
"Until recent times this was normal  entrance, not only in Africa and Asia, but also in the west, the wedding is arranged by the parents and not the couple, some time the couple see each other for the first time on the wedding day or only shortly before.
"The purpose of this entrance is very clear, it is the child, for what other reason should one enter the triangle, after all,if not for posterity? the wedding entrance belong to the garden concept."
I picked up my wooden triangle again and pointing to the top angle.
"One enter from the wedding angle and goes directly to the sex, angle, or in this case, we could call it "fertility angle", because of the purpose of the sexual union is seen in the narrow sense of producing children.
The angle of love is left out or very much neglected, it could even be dangerous because it might lead to a conflict between the couple and the family, what if the young people made a difference choice from that which the family proposed?
"By no means do I want to maintain that all marriage which are arranged in this traditional way must necessarily become unhappy, love can certainly grow also during marriage.
"A very popular musical play in Europe and America, now made into a film , is called Fiddler on the Roof, it tell the story of a Jewish couple, Tevye, the milkman and his wife, Golde.
They are typically of the couple who entered marriage though the wedding entrance, after twenty five years of marriage, they asked them self the question whether they love each other, we hear the following dialogue between them:
                               Tevye
Golde, I am asking you a question -Do you love me?
                                Golde
                         You are a fool.
                                  Tevye
I know - But do you love me?
                                  Golde
         Do I love you?
 For twenty five years I have washed your clothes, cooked your meals cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow, after twenty five years, why talk about love right now?
                             Tevye 
                              
Golde, the first time I met you, was on our wedding day I was scared.
                            Golde
                           I was shy.
     
                                 Tevye
                            I was nervous.
                           Golde
                      So was I.
                             Tevye
    But my father and my mother said we have to learn to love each other, and now I'm asking, Golde, do you love me?
                               Golde
                        I'm your wife.
 
                                  Tevye 
I know _ but do you love me?
                                  Golde 
       Do I love him?
      For twenty five years I have lived with him, fought with him, starved with him,  twenty five years my bed is his, if that is not love, what is?
                                 Tevye
                      Then you love me?
                                 Golde 
                          I suppose I do.
                                 Tevye
                   And I supposed I love you too.
                              Tevye and Golde
                It doesn't change anything, but even so after twenty five years, it nice to know.
"European and Americans tend to overestimate the value of romantic love, when Africa and Asians warm us about this, we have to listen to them, an Indian once compared love with a bowl of soup and marriage with the hot plate of a stove and said:
"You western put a hot bowl on a cold plate and it grows cold slowly, we put a cold bowl on a hot plate and it warms up slowly."