Chapter Thirty-Four : I…Like You   
       Was I an asshole for never realizing? That all this time, the way he acted towards me…was because he likes me?
       When he always smiled for me, when he always persisted and showered me with compliments that I never deserved.
For cheering me up in the worst times, for staying by my side.
     I truly am the worst. I never knew and probably misled him.
      My feet carried me as I never wasted a second, dashing through the wind with my hair sticking out and sweat trickling down my temple. My breath was ragged yet I carried on as if it never affected me.
     It’s now or never.
. . .
    I somehow managed to arrive in front of my house with my heart wrenching and my lungs feeling wrung as I clutched to my knees and wheezed, trying to find the words to say...even when I’m looking this disarray.
     My breath was still uneven but I composed myself, my mouth still parted open as my eyes shifted to the front porch and our eyes met.
    I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself but proved wrong when my heart felt like it was going to burst out of me. But still, I need to talk to him.
    It wasn’t easy taking the first step. My feet refused to move and felt heavy. My body stiffened in the same spot I was in.
But I forced my way through and took the first leap, my legs finally cooperating as I head towards their front porch with my heart plummeting and anxiety reaching me.
   I can’t even look at him in the eyes. I could feel his piercing gaze sprung through me as I stood in front of him with the stuffed toy loosely dangling on my fingers and my hair swerving in all directions.
        The important thing right now is that I hear the words coming from him. The truth itself. The reason why he’s avoiding me. Why he’s acting all distant and why…he likes someone like me.
    “You went on a date with Oskar?” he breaks the silence, with a hostile tone.
     “Yeah,” I clutched on the stuffed toy for dear life, like I was going to fall if I don’t.
“Is that why you’re here? To tell me that you’re dating Oskar now?”
I instantly shot my eyes to look at him and immediately regretted it. The way those olive eyes of his glint in melancholy, lips pursed in a bittersweet as he eyed me.
        “No, that’s not----”
     “You don’t need to hide it,” he murmured, glancing at the floor with his fists clenched. “---I’m just your friend, that’s all. I can’t say anything or do anything.”
  “And you’re probably here to tell me that I’m getting in the way,” he uttered, his voice faltering. “—that I should leave you alone because Oskar wouldn’t like that, would he?”
   “Sorry, Avery.”
My ears ringed when he uttered those words with despair and sadness. “You hate me, right? I’m a nuisance to you, right? You kept telling me but I never listened.”
     “I thought you didn’t mean it,” he murmured under his breath. “—but looking back, I realized…that you really did hate me. Sorry for not realizing sooner. For always pushing myself onto you and sticking to you like a stupid pest.”
“Tom, that’s not---”
     He puts a hand up, flashing a small smile to me as he continues. “It really hurts, Avery. Why do you look so happy when you’re with Oskar? But when you’re with me, you look miserable.”
“What am I lacking? What do I need to do?”
    “You smile and you look like you have the best time when you’re with him,” he chuckled bitterly. “---but when you’re with me, it’s as if I’m just forcing myself on you.”
“Why can’t you pick me?”
“Why can’t you act the same way you do when you look at Oskar?” he whispers. “---just once, why won’t you look at me like that?”
“Is that why you’re avoiding me?”
    “I’m not avoiding you,” he calmly replied. Then the cold breeze whipped onto my face, making me feel the harsh and icy feeling struck me. “—I’m distancing myself from you…because I’m in the way.”
        “I realized that when I saw you walking home together with Oskar,” he replied. “---that you have feelings for him. That I was going to be a nuisance if I stayed. Isn’t that what friends do? I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I?”
  “Tell me, Avery. What I said was right, wasn’t it?” he looks at me with plead. “—that it’s better off if I get lost right? That you don’t need me anymore, right? That you have no use for me.”
“Just say it and I’ll understand.”
 
   “You’re stupid, Tom,” I uttered in despair, watching as he looks at me in surprise. “----do you think that’s how shallow I think of you?”
   I grabbed a hold of his shirt and clenched on it, eyeing him in distaste.  “Do you think I’ll just throw you or ditch you when you’re not needed? When you’re no longer useful? Is that how you see me?”
“I’m not a user, Tom!”
“And I wouldn’t ever use you the same way others did!”
“You truly don’t know anything, Tom,” I smiled bitterly. “—did you really think that I have feelings for Oskar?”
“That I love him and all that?”
   “I don’t, you idiot!” I screeched, screaming into his face with all I could. “—stop jumping into conclusions! What the hell is wrong with you? You piss me off!”
       “What was I supposed to do?!” he shouted back, yanking the hand I held on his shirt. “---what was I supposed to think when you looked so in love with him? When you went on a date with him and stuff…”
  “It’s frustrating seeing it,” he hissed, then sprung up from his position and stood in front of me, eyeing me in anger and all sorts of emotions. “—how I want to punch him. How I want to take you away from him.”
     “But what can I do? I could only watch and stare from afar,” he cried. “—because I’m selfish, Avery. Because I don’t want you to be with any other guy!”
       “All of this because you’re jealous?!” I screeched. “---you’re crazy! I was worried about you, stupid. Because I thought you’d grown tired of me! That you ditched me because I wasn’t enough….”
“That you didn’t want to be my friend anymore,” I whispered. “—that you’ll leave me like what other people do.”
      “I’m afraid of being left alone, okay?! But I’m also afraid of being hurt! Of being taken advantage off again,” I bit my lip. “—I thought I’d made you hate me…”
  “And all of this because of your jealousy?!” I pounded a fist to his chest. “--why are you so jealous, Tom? Why are you jealous about Oskar? Why?!”
     “Because I like you!”
   I paused, staring into those meaningful eyes of his glistening on the moonlight.
The stuffed toy I’ve held on fall from my clutches, and all I could hear was the deafening sound of my heart thumping.
“I wouldn’t go through all those lengths if I didn’t!” he hollered, grabbing ahold of my shoulders while I stood frozen. “---I wouldn’t have endured your harsh words, your distant demeanor if I hadn’t like you!”
“I smiled all the fucking time for you, even when I was angry, sad or jealous! I did everything I could to help you! I stayed by your side because I truly cared.”
     “What more do you want?! What more do I have to say for you to understand?” the hold on my shoulders tighten, as if pleading to be heard. To be understood.
“I accepted you who for you are! What more do you need?” he whispers, leaning forward and buried his head on my blade of my shoulder. “---am I still not worthy for you Avery? Just how much will I have to go for you just for you to accept me?”
       “Because I’m starting to truly doubt,” he drops his hands and slides it on my waist, pulling me into a tight embrace, feeling liquid dripping on my shoulder, and the warmth that he gives off.
“---that I’m nothing but a pest to you. That all my efforts are in vain. That all you see of me is a stupid guy who doesn’t know the words ‘no’.”
     I reluctantly brought my hands up and pursued a hug, wrapping my arms around him as I held him tighter, the exact same way he did. I could feel his body flinch by my touch but I couldn’t care less.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry for making you feel this way…for making you think I hated you.”
“I’m bad at expressing my feelings,” I continued, feeling the cold, starry night gets deeper as time passed by. “---at truly saying what I mean.”
“But I don’t hate you,” I shake my head, feeling his hot breath fan my skin. “---I don’t. Not when you’re the reason I’m happy right now. When you made me realize that it was okay to make friends. When amongst the cruel people, there was someone out there…willing to lend a hand.”
“You mean that?” he finally speaks up, then removes his face from the blade of my shoulders as my heart lurches when he finally flashes me a smile…the smile that started all of this.
He stares at me with a warm smile and lifts a hand, brushing off the stray locks of my face. I look away, feeling my stomach churn like there were butterflies swarming around it.
     He leans closer and somehow, I don’t mind. His lips near close and my breath hitch with the loud drumming of my heart.
His breath fans my face with his warm touch that makes my stomach churn. The way his warm and gentle hands lightly cupped my cheeks or the way he tilts his head makes my stomach do flips.
Then his lips almost brushed with mine when he hastily pecks a kiss on my forehead.
He takes a step backward and grins with his cheeks all red. “Now we’re even.”
I probably would’ve died in that spot if I wasn’t bracing myself.