It's already midnight but I am here at the pool, drinking a wine.
Now that I'm taking the right medicine for my trauma, I'm getting better. I'm no longer afraid to socialize with men, the day I've been waiting for to happen to me.
But because of my slowly healing stage, the memories that I erased before are coming back. I've always been dreaming but not the whole story. My memory seemed to pass through my dream for a moment.
I'm not afraid to socialize with men anymore but I can't seem to face my memories. I'm afraid to feel the fear again that I felt when that happened to me. 
Even in the dream I could feel my fear that I knew was from what happened to me. 
I thought that when I was no longer afraid to socialize with men, I would be okay, but I was worng. I still can't forget how that incident destroyed myself and my life. I still can't seem to accept that all that happened to me. 
I stopped drinking wine when I felt someone behind me. I turned around and saw that it was Logan. 
It's been 3 days since Brick left and after that, I didn't talk to him. There's a lot on my mind these past few days so I didn't talk to him yet. 
He just sat quietly at the edge of the pool and like me, his feet were also immersed in the pool. There is distance between us. It seems like he knows how to read the situation. 
I looked away from him and drank wine again while looking at my feet submerged in the pool. 
"Can't sleep?" he asked. 
I emptied my glass and nodded to him after. There's a deafening silence after that. I was just staring at the front. I am spacing out.
"Is there something bothering you?" He asked gently.
I look at him and I see how gentle his eyes are while looking at me.
I sighed and refilled my glass with wine and drank. 
He didn't speak again and I could see in my peripheral vision that he was just watching what I was doing. 
"I'm dreaming of the memories I erased..." I finally spoke. 
"My dreams are getting worse. . I can feel the emotion through my dreams similar as I have felt when it happened." I said and looked sadly into his eyes. 
I couldn't stop myself from showing my true feelings. I've been hiding it for a few days now and I just brought it out because it feels so heavy. 
"Vianne... You know I am here right? I will help you always" he softly said. 
I smiled sparingly at what he said. 
"I know you will help me but the problem is me. I am so damn happy that I am slowly healing and at the same time, I am afraid and it hurts to remember every detail of that incident that made my life miserable. I hate my self for being this weak..." my voice broke after I said that. 
I felt tears welling up in my eyes that's why I avoided looking at him and just bowed. 
"Vianne, you are not weak. You made this far for how many years that the world were being cruel to you. You coped and now you continue to cope to regain yourself, to be free and happy again" he said 
"You are so brave, Vianne..."
I shook my head at what he said. 
"I feel like I am not ready to face my memories. I am so afraid, Logan..." 
"Don't rush yourself, Vianne. Take it slowly and believe in yourself. Time will probably help you you heal. What you feel right now will not be permanent." he smiled at me. 
My tears kept falling while looking at him. If he hadn't found out that the medicine that my former doctor was giving me was wrong, I would definitely not have recovered by now. 
I hope you will accept me the moment you will know the reason of my trauma. I hope you will be content of my love for you even when I am not doing an intimate scene to you.
Little by little, the scene I saw at the bar flashbacked. I smiled bitterly and looked away from him and bowed. 
That scene in the bar really broke me. It just shows where I fell short and what I couldn't give him.
My tears kept falling as I bowed and thought about what happened at the bar. 
The silence between us broke when he spoke. 
"Can we talk about what happened the other day?" he asked gently.
Something more blocked my throat when I heard what he said. I immediately poured wine into my glass and immediately drank it.
I could still feel my tears continue to fall but I didn't even wipe them and just looked in front and waited for what he have to say.
"I'm sorry about what happened the other day. I only did that because they will only let me leave if I do that. I didn't like that, Vianne. I always miss you ever since I came back to work and it's a torture to me that I can't even text or call you everyday because the patients need my help. I was so eager to see you that night and I didn't have a choice but to do that..."
I smiled lightly and turned to him. 
"You don't know how much it hurts me, Logan" I said to him sadly.
"I'm sorry..."
"You just showed me where I was lacking and what I couldn't give to you..." I said sadly
He was about to speak but I spoke again.
"I think that what if I can't give that to you, would you still stay with me? Would you still love me?"
He slowly occupied the distance between us. He held my hand while looking gently at me.
"I don't need any of that, Vianne. I am content on having you. I will stay with you forever..." he gently said and wiped my tears.
I shook my head at what he said. I immediately see that he's hurt by my reaction.
No, Logan, I know you want a family and I can't easily give that to you...
"Please believe me, Vianne..." His eyes pleading while saying that. And then he gently kissed my hand.
"There's a lot of things I didn't say to you, Logan, including my trauma..."
Would you still accept me if you knew what happened to me? I'm afraid to tell you what happened to me but I know the time will come when I have to tell you and I hope you'll accept me, Logan.
"I can wait until you are ready to say that to me, Vianne. You don't have to worry about that, I will always be ready to wait for you." He said and I immediately hugged him and cried on his shoulder.
I hope you will accept me, Logan. I hope...