He became serious as he listens. “First of all, congratulations. To whom did you get married to? Secondly, how old is your daughter now? And lastly, how is our team?”
Her smiles faded upon hearing the last question. As someone whose line of duty is to save lives, as a dedicated one, he will certainly get devastated to know that his team lost some of its members.
She gulped and sip on her coffee to clear her mind and calmed down herself. Somehow, it really did help her to feel at ease.
“During the mission, we lost Doctor Fresnon—the one who replaced you, if you can still remember.”
“Of course, I still do.”
“Like what you and Head Eulejius did, he sacrificed himself and decided to be part of the core of the new program introduced to the mother ship’s system. The process was that risky, you know what it costs someone to be a program’s core.”
The curtains swayed as the wind blew a little stronger, bringing in the very scent of verdant land outside, as well as the smell of the newly cultivated soil.
“This is what I have always been dreaming about before. For our team to spend a long vacation in a place like this.” He stood up and went by the window, looking at the far end of the rice field. “Being here feels like I am with you, my team.”
“That would be wonderful. But, you know, we lost Captain Eulysis, Head Eulejius and Epharil, and other five members due to that mission. And when we come home, another three died. They were murdered. Worry not, the person who did it to them is already caught, and is now facing a lifetime sentence in the prison.” Her airways tightened as she convinced herself that she is indeed telling a part of the truth, that she has to keep the lie to keep things unrevealed and don’t make things get complicated.
“And just recently—I mean, another thing happened after that. When the organization was taken down, we had lost Head Euno and Eula, too,” she continued.
“So, they became Heads? I always knew that they will.”
“Are you going to be mad at me? I was the Captain when that happened. My incapability is the reason why we have lost them.”
The doctor showed her his hands, to which she doesn’t understand right away, what is he trying to make her figure out. He then went back to looking away.
“Just because I am meant to save lives, doesn’t mean I have never taken some. Did you become a Captain then? How I wished I had seen you kids leading the team.” His eyes watered, which he wiped right away. “What I mean is, things will not always happen as you have planned. You cannot always get things settled without pulling a gun and taking a few people’s lives. There is no way that you will never be wrong. Sometimes, in some cases, we have to go against our will. And every so often, we just tend to think irrationally. So, why would be mad at you? What right do I have to put the blame on you?”
It is as if she was freed from the burdens she has been carrying for years. Finally, she has found a place that she can run to when she has no peaceful one to go; a shoulder she can lean on when she gets consumed by her guilt again; an ear to listen to her sentiments in case one day, she has to reveal everything.
She breathes in and filled her lungs with the fresh air blowing to their way.
“Thank you, Doctor Dean. This means so much to me. I was in the darkness for the longest time I have never known. Taking this out to you made me feel better. Captain Eulysis might bear much more. Now I understand what it means to be the Lead of a team. It was never easy. And even though you are not a Captain anymore, still, you carry the guilts you have stumbled to for being one once.”
Dean chuckled understandingly as he nodded, and later shook his head. “He rarely talked about his guilt, his fears, failures, burdens—I don’t even know if what had he really felt during the whole time that I have served in his team. He always had this barrier, that even though he is being nice and easy on you, you can feel it—there is a boundary wall that you cannot cross. But indeed, I have known some of his decisions. And yes, he had received a lot of pressure, and he kept it all to himself; thinking that as a Captain, he had to. Nevertheless, you were there when he needed someone to look at. The team itself was what kept him motivated.”
An indistinct conversation passed by, halted them from theirs. She watched the people walking, heading to wherever they are going to without the fear that they might not return anymore. It took her years to deal with that fear of hers.
“What are your plans now?”
“Should I still be planning? Sometimes, in able to get surprised in life, you have not to plan at all and just let it drift you to wherever it wants to take you. Besides, I no longer have anyone to take care of my life for. For once, I would like to live free from everyone and everything. I love it here, I am in peace when I am in this place.”
“Is that so? I want this kind of peace too, Mister Williams.” She smiled as she closed her eyes, while reminding herself that she has to respect the doctor’s decision to live in private, in secret.
“How about you? What are your plans now? I hope you would not mind sharing them with me. I might be able to give you a heads-up about stuff that you are not sure to do.” He pulled two chairs and gave one to her.
Eunice furrowed her brows and started to think about things that she has not consulted anyone yet. But no matter how much she tried, she has just ended up to the one that she is trying not to talk about.
“Doctor Dean,” she called to the man’s attention, whose eyes are fixated outside.
“Go ahead. I am listening.”
“All of us who worked for the organization has lied for countless times. And at some point, I am certain that there are still a few things that we are still hiding from everyone. I want to know how to deal with them. It is hard here to keep it all and make everyone believe in lies. It is excruciatingly tormenting. But telling the truth will bring up confusions, will complicate things, and will break someone’s trust. What should I do with this?”
That is when he turned to her and stared at her for seconds that she has lost count, counting. A glimpse of guilt gleamed in his eyes as he took off his sight of her.
“Balance it out. What is heavier should be kept. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep the other side light. It will really burden you. Look at me, that is why I am here. To balance everything—who knows, we might be having the same case. In my end, I am dealing with it this way. You just have to find a way how to deal with yours. There are things that we really need to keep from everyone. We all have that. If you think yours is too heavy to bear and carry, and other else’s been not match to yours, know that the weight varies depends on one’s situation. Fact is, we are just carrying loads with the same weight.” He looked back at her. “It is just that, some people have found a way how to carry their burdens. But, I assure you, never left those things behind. Guilt is a different kind of burden. Don’t let it piled up even more.”
She took a long, deep sigh as she pondered what he said. If only she could share the man to her fellows, they will surely be free from their troubles, too. But, of course, she has to keep her promise that she will tell no one that he is alive and just living somewhere far away.
“Thank you, really.” She is about to stand up when she remembered something. “I have almost forgotten. By the way, I have something to return to you. Good thing I always bring it with me. I don’t know, but I have always believed that I am carrying it for a reason, and I think it is for this day.”
She took her bag and started to look for the things she mentioned. “Is it just okay if I come back here? What days are you free for a visit?” she queried to buy herself some time.
“Yes, please. I am a busy person, always. You know that. But I free my time for anyone who wants to drop by.”
She smiled to his response. As expected from him, she thought. “Here it is.”
His eyes widened as he recognized his belongings. Fingers are trembling, and he lost words as he gets back his badge and the tube containing his letters.
“How did you get these?” he asked in almost a whisper.
“My father found them in the woods of North Forest. Of course, he doesn’t know about the organization, neither me being part of it. But he had managed to decode your messages. That is how he found Sonia.”
“This is supposed to be for my son.” He flipped the badge. “When I finally got out of the island, I thought, I would meet them at last. Yet this happened, so I just observed from afar. Then I found out that he died just not long after my clone has gone. I was there when my wife drew her last breath. She saw me. She might have even thought that I am some ghost—or a hallucination.”
Her chest aches as she watched him dreamingly looking at the piece of picture of his family. The way he holds just the edge of it shows how much he treasures the only things he has in memory of them.
He read the letters effortlessly, a proof that he was indeed the one who has written them.
“I have been to outer space for a couple of missions. And in all those times, I have wondered if I will ever make it back to Earth. If ever I did, will I finally be freed? I did not even see him growing up. And I was not there when his mom grieved with his death.” He gasped.
The fine lines in his forehead are evidence that he has already been that away from the island for a long while. Without conditioning, of course, in his age, his body will deteriorate faster—naturally. And even made it more rapid due to his burdens and longing.
“Eunice, can I—” He has already made it even before she could say yes.
“Yes, of course. Go ahead.” She took the cups and washed them, as the man silent wept in his palms.
The tears she’s been holding in stream down on her face. Who would have thought that the most gentle man in their team bears a miserable life, too? Well, she has just found out.
The kitchenwares caught her attention: there are three pieces for each. Even the chairs and the meal prepared is good for three persons.