Layla.
Finally! home at last. I thought. Getting closer to the door I could hear mom and dad's voices, they're shouting at each other again.
moments like this remind me of the time mom was still alive, she and dad always quarrel about one thing or the other at night. I always pretended like I was asleep and couldn't hear a thing they say. Every morning they acted in front of me, putting on their brightest smile that time. I couldn't understand them so I thought to myself just maybe if we all just smile brightly every day, it will all be okay, so I also smile. Through that way, I learned to smile in every situation, regardless of how much it may hurt. Hearing both of their voices from outside the door, makes me feel nostalgic. I have smiled so much for as long as I can remember hoping that everything will be okay. But it wasn't, it never was. Now I can no longer remember the reason for those smiles. I have seen many meaningless smiles like mine over the years, and I have seen the ones that are rare but carry an actual meaning, those are smiles that are from the heart. Liam's smile was always like that. Rare but beautiful, to me his smile was like a rare treasure. A treasure he only give to those he cared about. Watching him and Theo, seeing the way they were always able to be truthful to themselves. smiling naturally at each other, taught me how to smile again. They taught me not only how to truly smile but how to hope and believe that not all smiles are meaningless.
Mom and dad both look at me as they became quiet, dad quietly went up to his room, slamming the door shut.
"Hey honey," Mom said, "how was school."
Mom looks tired, her vibrant blue eyes look dull. She was completely worn out.
"How... how are things with dad?" I asked not sure if I was supposed to ask her that question.
Whenever Liam was around in a moment like this, he would walk briskly past them while holding my hand, saying a simple 'hi' to both of them while he drag me upstairs to my room. He stayed there with me for a little while reading one of those fictional novels he loves to read, while I stared at the ceiling wondering what genre was his favorite and what the book was about. I have never asked him, and he never told me. it felt like he knew I made a guessing game out of it, to keep my mind occupied.
"Layla." sitting down on the sofa, she holds her head with her hand, massaging her temple. "Have your Dad always been like this?" She asked with a soft voice.
"The man I met before our marriage could not easily get angry at everything. Layla, please tell me how was your dad's relationship with your mom Harper."
"I don't remember most of it." I lied.
"Whenever I asked him about her, he always avoided it, saying that it was just too painful to talk about. But now I'm starting to have doubt, I'm starting to wonder if there was more to the story than what I have been told. Layla..." Her voice cracks as she sobs "this marriage, was it the right choices?"
I went to her, trying my best to comfort her, even though I wasn't any good at it.
I still remember the first day I met Zoe before she got married to my dad. She had brought Liam with her, during that time Liam was like a ghost always appearing and disappearing no one ever know where Liam was. Only to find him later in a hidden corner with his head inside a book, his mom has said that his habit of reading all the time was strange because he picked it up after his 13 birthday. Always getting himself carried away, lost, feeling non-existence to the world around him. Reading was Liam's passion. I always spend my time with Zoe in those days. Whenever Liam was around, that is when he couldn't get himself lost in a corner, all he did was to read and pretended like none of us existed. Zoe was kind to me, she treated me like her own daughter and would often come to the house to spend time with me whenever dad wasn't around. With Zoe, I was able to know how it felt like to have someone to call mom in all situations. My Mom Harper was nice but sometimes felt like she love her job more than me. She was hardly there whenever I needed her, I couldn't discuss anything about my life with her because she was always busy and whenever she wanted to spend some time with me during the weekend she would be distracted. her mind was always on something else. Most times I think this was the reason why she and dad fight at night whenever she got back from work. But still, I miss those days that she was around. I wish I was able to spend my time with her, I wish I didn't pretend like I was sleeping whenever she came to check if I was awake whenever they finish fighting. I wish I got to know the kind of person my Mom truly was.
The first time I called Zoe, Mom was after she had gotten married to dad. I still remember what I said to her on that day. 'congratulations Mom' her face glow as she grins at me. Calling her Mom felt right and dad was also pleased with it and I didn't want to upset him. Zoe was a good person so it was easy but there were days the word felt heavy on my mouth, there were days my words felt like betrayed.
"Remember how happy you were on that day, so how could it be wrong if it brought you so much joy," I said, "and your decision gave me not only just a mother but also a friend, a friend who is there for me in all situation." Cleaning her tears with the hem of my shirt. She hugged me.
"Thank you, Layla." She said
"Don't worry I will try and talk to Dad," I said even though I knew my relationship with him wasn't steady.
*****
"Come in," Dad said.
I close the door behind me as I step into the room. Dad was looking at an old picture of mom. I haven't seen him with a picture of her ever since her death. This was my first of seeing him looking thoughtfully at her picture.
"What do you want?" He asked in a stern voice.
"What happened between you and Mom?" I asked
He chuckled darkly "I have always hated the way you look exactly like her." He stares at mom photo.
Not knowing what to do, I awkwardly stand by the door, staring at my feet. I have always suspected that to be part of the reason dad hated me other than the fact that he blames me for Mom's death.
"Looking at you all the time." Dad says "it reminds me of her, it was like she left you in this world to hunt me."
"Why?" He continues "why were you not like other kids who committed suicide when their beloved mother died." He says darkly
"But instead of any of that, here you are, still very much alive, happily calling your stepmom, mother." He laughed darkly again.
"Layla!" Theo called, opening the door to dad room.
He looks out of breath as he gasps for air, he looks like he just ran all the way here. I look at him as his eyes caught mine, an angry expression overtaking his facial features as he looks at me and my Dad. I stare at him lost as I realized something wet was on my face. I was crying.
"If only you didn't grow up to look so much like your mother," Dad said. "take her away." He says to Theo.
Theo came in, took my hand and we both left.
*****
"I hate your Dad," Theo said
We were both sitting on a small bench in a park not too far from my house. The first time I came here was with Liam and Theo after the death of my Mom. Liam had ignored us at that time saying that we should have fun while pretending that he wasn't there as he read his book as usual.
"Well I can't hate him," I said, "he's my dad and I don't think I will be able to get another one if something happens to him like mom."
"You are not responsible for what happened to your mom."
"But dad normally says that I'm the one who got her sick that was why she fell down the stairs." I said "I'm responsible for her death, I'm responsible for everything. I'm the cause of all dad problems."
"Layla," Theo said softly as he brought me closer and gently held me in his hands while I busted into tears.
It was all so painful, the one person I wanted the most to love me, hated me so much.
"Please stop crying." Theo wipe off my tears, "forget about him, nobody blames you for what happened."
"I hate myself"
"Don't. your Mom loved you, Mrs. Zoe also loves." Theo said, "Liam and I are there and we love you too."
"So don't you ever hate yourself because of him, don't mold yourself according to his words." Theo pulled me closer to him.
I cried my eyes out until I got tired of it. Quietly Theo and I stayed together, the day was slowly becoming dark. The sun was about to set and the only thing I could hear was the wind blowing, together with me and Theo breathing slowly. I brought myself closer to him when the wind became cold. His breath sharpens as his heartbeat increase. And I didn't know what to think of it. I just felt peaceful with Theo. I was about to face him when his phone rang. Liam was calling. Liam had told me that I could stay over at Rose place if I wanted to. But I said no, I was okay.
That night I went to sleep remembering how Theo's hands felt protective around me, how peaceful it was to be held by him and how the scent of his cologne was able to calm me.