CHAPTER 53
I shouldn’t feel bad about what I did to my father, but why I am crying on my way back home? It was midnight and it was cold, so I could feel the tears warming up my face. I never longed for a father, even before. My past Mom and Dad were there. I never feel any complications in our relationship. I felt full. I felt loved.
But when I saw him when he touch him. I felt a pang inside my chest. This man is my father. And this man killed the ones I loved. It wasn’t because I want us to be a complete family. We can’t be like that.
My heart aches because the truth is my father is a killer. And I have to live with that truth until the day that I die. It wasn’t a history to tell. It’s a carved mark on my identity.
Although there wasn’t any noise on my way, I don’t feel that everything is silent and quiet. My mind was attacking me with all of my thoughts. What are Mom and Alpha living better? What if they got to each other? What if the mess didn’t happen? What if Mom, Dad, and Felix are all still alive? How would my world change after that?
I glanced at Nana’s house and found out that someone was standing inside their terrace. I never thought it would be Gelo because he would’ve been moving a lot and he likes to sleep early. It couldn’t be Nana. The figure is tall and lean.
“Where have you been?” I heard his voice. It crept up from my pelvis to my spine. Sage is going to be the person who will make me feel cold on a hot summer day. He opened the gate of their terrace and I came in.
I don’t know why. I trust him enough for me to enter.
“How much of it do you know?”
“I know everything. I saw you leaving your house. You forgot that my room is facing in that direction. I saw you leave. I waited for you to come back. If you did not come back before one in the morning, I would’ve searched for you.”
“Why? Why do you have to search for me? As far as I’m concerned, your brother is my friend. Not you. And you don’t like me, right?”
He put his hands inside his pocket. “I never said I didn’t like you. And as you’ve said, you are my brother’s friend. My brother loves you. And I’m going to protect you because that’s what he wanted. For you to be protected.”
He offered me a chair to sit beside him. I don’t feel that I need to go to bed yet. Maybe this conversation with him is a good thing to happen. I’ve always wondered about talking to Sage. He’s that mysterious for me not to.
“You do love him, huh?”
“When you have a baby brother, you won’t ask about that.”
“Yeah… My brothers… They were too kind. They cared. They babied me. Now I lost one of them because of who I am. Because I am what I am and they don’t want me to be caged in that identity.”
“I’m sorry for your loss. Your brother is one of the best brothers I’ve known. We haven’t talked personally but he dares to tell you what he likes and what he doesn’t. He loves you so much that he’s willing to die for you. Gelo tells Minnie a lot of things, on me he doesn’t. And I hear all of that information. I hate that Gelo couldn’t talk to me like that because he always thinks I don’t care about him. People think that I’m this stupid guy who only wants silence and lonely time. The kind of guy nobody wanted to be his friend.”
He sighed and released a breath. “You know. I saw similarities between the two of us. We were lonely until you had Gelo. But you’re happier than me. When my Mom died, I felt I lost half of myself. I’m the biggest Mom’s child then she’s gone. I was gone as well after that. Then I heard you lost both of your Mom and Dad. And now your brother. I feel so bad for you. I wanted to comfort you but I’m not that kind of person, you know? I even cannot comfort my brother and sister as well.”
I felt a bitter feeling inside my chest. I cried a little. What Sage told me moved me. I lost a lot of people but not everything. I might lose one if I don’t stand up for us. “Gelo loves you so much. And respects what kind of person you are. Maybe a small talk with him wouldn’t hurt your ego.”
He gasped. Now I noticed his eyes that crave rest. “Maybe I also need to go to bed by now.”
I chuckled. “Maybe you should.”
“It’s nice talking to my brother’s friend. I guess.”
I stood up from my chair and headed to the way outside. “Please don’t tell anyone what I did tonight.”
“You haven’t even told what that is. But I won’t. I promise. Just don’t tell my brother you talked to me and I asked for your advice.”
I swung my head. “I won’t.”
…
“The right thing to do,” I repeated it like a chant as I fall asleep. “Is the right thing for everyone?”
Utilitarianism. It is a concept I learned in class. It is an idea that we must do what the best for most people. I should focus on its consequence as well. Not just for myself. But for my brothers.
…
I woke up the next day with a smell of coffee and a hard piece of what I did last night. I came to my senses to realize that I talk to my father. I talked to the alpha. It sounded like a dream that is not.
Mom is making pancakes. Jay’s making us a cappuccino which I adored so much especially when reading books. It felt that everyone already moved on. We can move on without forgetting and forgiving. It is the right way to do moving on.
Aside from my family, Angelo’s also here. What is he doing here this early?
“Hi, Cath. How are you doing?” He approached me at the stairs and gave me a tight hug. “I know that’s not the right question to ask. But I want to know what you feel. I want you to be honest with that.”
“I’m in the process of making myself feel better.” I let my mother and my brother hear that. That’s true. But in a complex sense, I still grieve how we lost Felix and I can’t forgive myself as the reason for it. But talking to Sage and the Alpha makes me feel better, especially the chant that I repeated to myself last night.
To do the right thing is to bring good to others.
“Then the two of you must sit comfortably on the table. Jay’s cappuccino is a thing you shouldn’t leave behind,” Mom said.
I trudged to our dining table, my head carrying my thoughts. Should I tell them right away? Gelo helped Jay in placing the cup filled with milk-tasting coffee in the dining. Mom sat beside me. Gelo is in front of me beside Jay.
For the first time in my life, Mom prayed. She prayed for our safety and Felix’s soul. “A fearless loving soul who took care of my daughter until the end of his life.”
After the prayer, we sat in silence. The thoughts are still messing up my mind. I knew I have to tell them. If I wanted everything that causes my mess to end, then I should start acting up right now. I can’t move on without doing the very best thing that I know I should do.
“Mom, Jay, and Gelo.” I faced them one by one. “I want to kill the alpha.”