Danielle still continues to praise me a lot. Until now I feel a little impressed with what was done previously. I was almost in an abyss of uncertainty, when I looked again there was something different. Strangely enough, up to this moment I prefer situations like this. I hope that one day it will continue to provide warmth like what I see now. But, even though I expected something like that, something felt odd. At the same time, I also felt that there was something strange about me. It's as if my existence invites something that I don't seem to like. Danielle enjoyed the food well. This time I really felt jealous. I don't know why I'm not usually like this. But now I see myself who is different. To the point where I feel that now I am very surprised, I also can't control a situation like this. In my heart I always felt unsatisfied and completely brought strange things into my life. I also reasoned whether this was another part of me or vice versa. I never thought that now my thoughts would actually recur again. Danielle then looked at me with a look that looked surprised. Instantly I tried to hide what I had just felt. I don't know why a situation like this happens to me. Not long after, Danielle started saying things. This time he continued talking. As long as I listened to the words that came out of Danielle's mouth, I felt that this person was really trying to make himself happy. I feel the same thing too. It's just that I still look bad at hiding my problems. The day after day that I apparently passed was meaningless. Even if there is something true, I feel like it's not just me. Once again I couldn't stop thinking about everything that was happening. As if this was just a magic circle that couldn't be removed even though I had tried hundreds of times to eliminate it all.
'Why am I even nervous now?' I muttered to myself.
Even though I want myself to change in the direction that I really want, it cannot be denied that it will be easy for me to get it. I've also witnessed how someone does something like that and in the end everything doesn't go according to plan. Until this moment, I didn't dare ask that person about it. Danielle then stopped eating. And not long after that he asked me several questions again. From the questions that are coming out now, I suspect that Danielle is trying to cover up something else. I'm strangely a little curious. But I can't cross the line and want to know.
"I feel relieved now," I said, changing the topic.
“Are you relieved? Do you feel relieved after the event is over?"
"Yes. Of course. Actually, I was a little nervous. But now it's over so I feel better.”
“You are the best. I'm so jealous how you got this far?” Danielle said which then surprised me.
"Why do you say that?"
"Who knows. Suddenly words like that came out of my mouth. Strange, isn't it?"
"No. It's not strange. It's just that I was quite surprised. I think there's something wrong."
"Good grief. Do you think I'm a robot that can make mistakes? Don't joke, it's not entertaining at all.”
I was a little surprised by Danielle's words. There are some things that I think really don't make sense. Or maybe it's just my head that can't grasp information well right now. Besides that, I also felt a little disappointed in myself. I don't know why a feeling like that suddenly appeared. I also started to remember things that had passed at that time. But I still haven't found the point where I should start filling in the puzzle pieces. This is the first time in my life that I feel uncomfortable with myself like this. If only I found one thing certain, I don't think I need to bother with my thoughts. It's been a long time since I felt annoyed with my situation, which was always like that. I hope in this world to immediately end all the suffering I have. Surprisingly, such a request did not have any impact. I was of course increasingly disappointed. In the end it's all the same. Nothing has changed in my life, which is not what it is. Sometimes I also feel hopeless. Until I couldn't think well, couldn't eat well as if I was a person whose heart had been broken. That's really crazy. When that happened, my feelings were very chaotic, even more chaotic than a storm. I almost forgot, when Danielle kept talking about all the things that Danielle herself thought were fun, I felt like it was just normal. But I also can't make the atmosphere bad. I just want beautiful harmony. After I performed on stage, I felt a throbbing in my chest. This means I'm starting to feel alive. It's quite strange if I said something like that just now, it's just that in my suddenly frozen world, I was immediately very happy as soon as the music accompanied the opera. I also really can't contain this happy feeling. Until the end I was still imagining the event and apparently I had done well.
"So, now what are you going to do?" Danielle asked me.
"I think it's especially important if you don't enjoy your rest time. I've worked hard so I should rest at least so. How are you yourself? What is your plan?"
“That's good. Ah, if I'm still not clear. There's a feeling that's bothering me. I guess I should just play around and forget about the bad things that happened.”
“I see. I understand situations like that. You're right, it should be forgotten by closing it using more useful activities. Although it's not easy."
“In this world, nothing is easy. It's all too much to fight for. I admit that myself.”
"That's right. Very scary."
I understand all this. The atmosphere is unavoidable. It felt like I was being hit by a strong hurricane. There is no place to take shelter. There is only yourself. Feelings of fear and anxiety are natural. Just hoping for someone who might be able to help is of course human. But, the reality is very bitter. When all that happened, people just stood in their zone and didn't want to step closer to me. The sight that seemed to be fading made my chest feel tight. Is this what the world is? Sometimes questions like that keep filling my head. At night even all the time I can't forget all that easily.