Deanara Samaniego’s POV
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” He asked as he saw me sitting in the dining area typing on my laptop when it was already midnight.
It’s not that I want to sleep, but I really don’t want to sleep knowing that we are inside this room…together. Like, together? I mean, come on! I know that we saw each other naked since we already made love with each other. But…still…this is different and I don’t think I can keep up with this kind of set-up for a month.
Seriously! I am pretty sure he has something to do with this, like…yeah. He planned all of this. I wanted to call Sai to check up on him, but he was already asleep and Ethan was so busy…so I just decided to focus on writing a story, so at least I could forget that he exists in front of me now.
We’re staying in a luxury room overseeing the whole city of the province. The interior design was classy with high-quality furnishings, there were arts on the walls, and the room was cozy and lit. Honestly, it’s like a romantic room. I hate walking around it because I imagine things I should be imagining. And, I should stop doing it now. This is not really good! Ugh! Why? What is happening to the universe? Why is it letting me be with this guy?
Okay, why? Let my thoughts go away because I really don’t know what will happen if I keep on thinking about these things. For example, love making which I believe I shouldn’t be thinking but the whole room speaks romantic. It’s really for couples, more specifically for married couples. I don’t want to tell Gray because he might think of something. UGH! I hate this feeling.
Gray is enjoying this.
“Is Sai already sleeping?” He asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “He usually sleeps at nine in the evening. No buts,” I said, so he would know that I am really taking good care of his child.
“Can you tell me things about him?” He formed a sad smile and I felt sad, too, knowing that I was the reason why he never got to be with his son all these years. Yeah, I am paying for that sin now!
“Just ask me,” I said as I continued typing. I was about to continue writing a story when I received an email from our company, so I have to check it. Guess, this is the best way to distract myself from the fact that Gray is with me now. And, we are sharing this suite. Ugh!
“What is he like?”
“He’s like you,” I responded because there is no point in lying. They really looked alike. “He likes sunrise and not much of a cold even though he grew up in Finland. So, he’s really liking the warmth of the country since you know…” I shrugged. “We never have this kind of warmth in Finland.”
“Why Finland?” He curiously asked. “I came back to Spain, you know, to see you…when Mattel died…”
I looked at him and didn’t know what to say.
“I just want a place where people don’t know anything about me. Finland, they don’t seem to know Mattel…I mean, not everyone knows him there so it’s a place where —”
“Why Ethan?” There was a pain in his voice when he asked me that.
“Ethan was there,” I replied.
“I could be there, too, you know…” He scoffed. I could feel that he was trying to stop himself from being mad, but he just couldn’t. I could see it in his eyes. “I could be there, too. I could have raised our son…but you just…”
“You have Vivian. Why would you raise our son? You also have a son with Vivian —”
“Are you really going to believe that lie?”
“And, are you going to keep up that lie, Gray?” I glared at him. “You still won’t erase the fact that you still lied to me.”
“Oh, and you use Mattel for that?” He rolled his eyes. “What a way to hurt me…wow, then, my brother? You really know how to hurt my pride. Don’t you think so?”
“You deserve it!” I said, not even blinking as I met his gaze.
“And, do you think our son deserves not to know the truth?”
I closed my laptop as I deeply sigh. I am really avoiding this kind of conversation because I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t know. I am done. I am tired. This is the very same reason why I just decided to move on. But, I guess, I can never move on from this.
“You think you deserve to be with him? Hah!” I shook my head. “I would rather choose to marry Ethan than be with you.”
Before he could say anything, I cut him off. “If you want this whole partnership to work, make it work. Do not ask details about personal life. Work!” I emphasized that. “We are here because of work, not any other thing.”
I grabbed the pillow and was about to sleep on the couch when he stopped me.
“I told you I am sleeping on the couch,” he said as he leaned his back on the couch. He opened the curtain behind him and I saw the city lights. Wow! That’s pretty nice if only we are back together. I would love to do a lot of things with him.
“I am not gonna do anything to you. Don’t you trust me?” He raised his brow. “Maybe, you don’t trust my love for you…but at least…you know I am going to —”
“I don’t.” I felt the hatred in my voice as I said that but it’s true. After everything, my trust is not easily given to him. “I don’t trust you enough to share the same bed.”
“Well...it’s up to you. I’ll sleep.” He leaned his back on the couch and covered himself with a blanket.
I cursed. Fine! I’ll take the bed. That’s his choice. I am giving him a choice to use the bed. I turned off the lights. The room isn’t big and isn’t small. It’s normal or ordinary for two people. It’s like a small studio apartment but in an expensive way. There’s a small living room on the side, a small kitchen, and also a laundry area. The bed was also queen-size and it’s possible that we can sleep together in the same bed, but I don’t like to even if I want to hug Gray.
Damn! What the hell am I thinking?
There was complete silence while I stared at the ceiling because I can’t sleep knowing that Gray is just near me.
I thought he was already sleeping when he spoke.
“Do you still write?” He asked, waiting for me to say yes.
Why does he care? It’s not like he’s writing again. And, I write because of him. I am really sad because of what happened between us that I needed an escape. It was writing that made me forget how sad I was because of him, because of us. I know that both of us have our faults, but I still couldn’t help but blame him, because all of this happened because he lied to me. And, I am sorry because I lied, but I never regretted it. We both deserve to get hurt, so it would be quits.
I didn’t bother looking at him and I just said yes.
“Really? I checked your account.” He said. I raised my brow. Why would he check it?
“I no longer write on this website.” I told him as I closed my eyes. I forget everything about it because it reminded me of Gray and it just makes me sad. That was the start of everything…and I don’t want to remember it.
“Ah. That is why.” He nodded.
“That is why what?” I asked, confused, still not looking at him. I really want to sleep, but I couldn’t. Damn! Seriously? Gray…I could smell him for where I am sleeping…and honestly it’s turning me on. Why does he have to smell so nice? Is he seducing me or I am just…ugh! I need to let this go.
“Nothing.” He said. “Good night.”
I looked at him. He closed his eyes with a smile on his face while I was leaning my back on the bedwall thinking how I would be able to sleep with him so close to me. I wasn’t sure if he said it or I am just assuming but I think I heard him say, I love you.
Did he really love me? Does he love me? I don’t know.
Well, I might be dreaming and who cares? I no longer want to care. I want to stop myself from caring because this would definitely give me so much heartache again. He couldn’t even clarify things. I need proof more than anything.
It was so hard for me to sleep because I kept on thinking that he was beside me. Seriously, what could possibly happen on our trip? Shit! What am I going to do? This will be hard to avoid.
And, I missed Sae. How nice would it be if he is here beside me, right?
I woke up early to watch the sunrise. Well, it seems like I wasn’t even able to sleep properly. Gray was already up and the breakfast was already done. He was already standing on the glass window, waiting for the sunrise. I wanted to stand next to him but I would just remember that scene back home. It’s making me sad. The sunrise makes me sad as Gray reminds me of them.
“Do you still love the sunrise?” He asked, not looking back, as he sipped his coffee.
“Yeah.” I replied as I chewed the pancake. I am hungry and complaining about him cooking the food will not help me. “Why?”
“Why do you like it?” He asked. Did he ask me before? I couldn’t remember as pain was the only thing that I could remember when I looked at him.
There is love, I am sure of that…but then again, there’s also pain. There should only be love…I want to have just love when I looked at him because if there’s still pain, then I won’t be able to trust him again.
“Hmm…” I thought about it and shrugged. “Nothing. I just love it.”
“Really? You just love it?” He turned to me with a cup of coffee in his hand. He’s amused. I missed that kind of look.
“Why? Do I need a reason to love things?” I simply replied.
“Why did you love me back then?” He asked as he bit his lower lip.
I stopped chewing when he said that. I was stunned for a moment and decided to not answer it. Fuck! Why am I always caught with his stares and everything? I hate him!
“You are not really going to answer me?” He asked again, getting impatient because I looked plain…and just the me who is being stubborn in front of him.
I don’t know what to say. I am not even sure why I liked him even though I haven’t met him before…it’s just weird. Everything doesn’t make sense about Gray that I don’t even know why I even loved him before.
“Why did you love me back?” I returned the question and almost blew the pancake in my mouth when he answered me.
“I still love you.” He stated.
Oh, my gosh! That certain phrase could definitely make me happy before, but now it is just nothing to me. It lost its meaning. How sad would that be?
I laughed. I really did. I was so happy to hear it but my mind was telling me not to believe in everything. So, I laughed. That’s how I want to hide the pain and the desire to hug him because honestly…I want to be with him.
“Go. Just watch the sunrise. I’ll take a bath!” I said and immediately went inside the bathroom so I wouldn’t hear anything he would say.
I felt the warmth of my face as I stared at the mirror. I am still affected by him and I will always be affected by his presence. Damn! Gray is killing me. How will I be able to survive this?
I finished taking a bath and was already on my robe when I got out of the bathroom. Gray was leaning on the countertop drinking coffee when his gaze turned to me. I could see that he was paying attention to me…there’s this desire in his eyes. And…fuck! I know I can turn him on, but he can also turn me on.
Our eyes met until he looked at my lips down to my neck. What? What is he thinking?
I raised my brow. “Are you a pervert?”
“I have a question.” He seriously said that crept me out.
I rolled my eyes. Why does he have a lot of questions? This is killing me! He should stop asking me questions that are irrelevant with our work.
He dropped his coffee on the side and straightened his back.
“If you will not answer me with a yes or no, I will definitely kiss you.” He warned me, so I was taken aback for a second. Is he going to do it? Why am I thinking if he will not do it or not? Am I expecting it? Honestly, I missed him…all of him.
“Go. Spill.” I impatiently said. “What is this again?” I went to the closet to get my things and immediately stopped with his question.
“Do you still love me?”
I choked. Really? Is he asking that?
“Do you still love me?” He asked again, now looking at my eyes, while I tried to avoid his gaze.
I was taken aback though I managed to calm myself and shook my head.
Okay, this is easy. I am just going to say that I don’t love him because there is no way I am going to admit it. Never!
“No. I no longer love you.” I said, and thank God I didn’t choke with my words.
He smirked and from his look he wasn’t convinced of my answer.
“Really?” He smiled like he won a lottery.
“You are asking me right?” I looked at him. “Why won’t you believe it?”
He gave me a cocky laugh and now he was smiling like…he’s just so amused…and perhaps happy.
“Then, why are you still wearing the necklace I gave you?”
I blinked. I hadn’t thought about that.
Holy crap! Why? Why am I still wearing it?
Yeah, right. I also don’t know.