They say that happiness will find you, but i think sadness finds you too. It sneaks up on you in darkness, just when you think you've made it through.
You can't remember how it started, and you don't know when it will end. But you know that you'd give anything, to stand up on your feet again.
The only thing left to do is cry, people all yell out 'save yourself' calling things about 'happiness' and 'hope'.
That's the thing. When it's real. You don't have to tell them how you'd like to be treated. You don't have to constantly remind them of how a relationship works.
"I'm tired of chasing after people. I'm tired of fighting for them, and I'm tired of saving them. I'm tired of putting my time and effort in people who don't care, people whose words don't match their actions. I'm tired, exhausted of giving to much, of receiving too little. And I know you can't understand this because you're on the other side of the situation. I chase you, i rescue you. I care for you and do things to make your life easier but who's there for me? Who's there to comfort me when i feel as if i don't have enough in me? When i don't want to keep going? See, the problem is, I've given you more than i should have and that has made you blind, and i say this because you think i won't leave. You think i don't have the guts to do so but you're wrong. You're wrong about everything. I love myself and the only regret i have is, that i didn't realize this sooner. Only i can save myself and i don't need a pair of weak hands to try to catch me as i fall."
I wiped my tears after reading those words, hindi ma proseso ng utak ko ang nangyayari. Kinusot ko ang papel na hawak at inilagay sa bag ko, i know na hindi si Clark ang may-ari nun.
Nagmamadali akong pumara ng sasakyan, sinabi ko ang address kung nasaan ang condo ni Clark. Pinagsiklop ko ang nanginginig 'kong kamay. Umaasang sana ay hindi sa kanya galing ang sulat na 'yon!
Ilang minuto lang ang lumipas ng makarating ako, pakiramdam ko anumang oras ay bibigay ang tuhod ko.
Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko habang naghihintay na bumukas ang elevator!
"Hey Miss-
Hindi ko na pinansin ang tumawag sa'kin dahil nagmamadali akong pumasok sa elevator. Napabuga ako ng hangin ng sa wakas ay makapasok ako.
"Di'ba sya yung girlfriend ni Clark?" Napakunot ang noo ko ng marinig ang pangalan ni Clark.
"Parang sya nga…..p-pero magkasama si Clark at Abigail kanina!"
Napatingin naman ako sa dalawang nag-uusap, napayuko naman sila ng tinaasan ko sila ng kilay. Napabuntong hininga nalang ako.
Dinaga naman ng kaba ang dibdib ko ng bumukas ang elevator, nanghihina ang tuhod ko habang papalapit sa pintuan ng condo ni Clark.
Humugot ako ng lakas ng loob bago dahang-dahang binuksan ang pintuan, laking pasalamat ko at hindi iyon naka lock kaya ibig sabihin ay narito sya ngayon.
"Please, bumalik kana sa'kin…….iwan mo na ang babaeng 'yon"
Natulos ako sa kinatatayuan ng marinig ang pamilyar na boses ni Abigail, pilit akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kanila.
There, i saw them kissing.
Naramdaman 'kong tumulo ang luha sa pisngi ko, hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko.
Pilit akong nag-iwas ng tingin at nanghihinang umatras, kahit nanghihina ang tuhod ko ay pinilit 'kong tumakbo.
Hindi ko na pinansin ang mga nabubunggo ko, ang gusto ko lang ay makalayo ako.
"H-Hey!"
I heard familiar voice pero tuloy lang ako sa pagtakbo, natigilan lang ako ng may humigit sa braso ko.
"Wait, why are you crying? Something happened?" Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kay Zayd.
"Bitiwan mo ako! Gusto ko ng umalis!" Pilit 'kong inaagaw ang braso ko sa kanya pero mas humigpit ang pagkakahawak nya roon.
"Ihahatid na kita" pag presenta nya, umiling naman ako habang tuloy parin sa pagtulo ang luha ko.
"K-Kaya 'kong mag-isa!"
"No, ihahatid kita…...come on"
Nakita ko nalang ang sarili 'kong nakasakay sa sasakyan nya, seryoso lang ang tingin nya sa harapan habang patuloy parin ako sa paghagulgol. Hinayaan nya lang naman akong ganoon ang ayos hanggang sa makarating kami sa harapan ng apartment, hindi ko alam kung paano nya nalaman na dito ako nakatira.
Nagmamadali akong bumaba ng sasakyan, ni hindi man lang ako nakapag pasalamat.
Hindi ko pa man naisarado ang pintuan ay nanghina na ang katawan ko, ang sikip-sikip ng dibdib ko.
"K-Kara!"
Napakuyom ang kamao ko ng marinig ang boses ni Clark sa labas.
"B-Baby, l-let me explain-
"P-Para saan pa? Clark, ako na mismo nakakita"
Lumapit sya sakin at yumuko para magpantay ang tingin namin, umiwas naman ako at pinilit na tumayo pero hinawakan nya ang braso ko.
"Tangina wag mo akong hawakan!" I shouted.
"Please! Let me explain first! Sya ang unang humalik sa'kin! I never thought she would do that! Kara I'm angry too! Galit ako sa sarili ko-
"Galit ka? Clark, ako…….galit na galit ako, kaya pakiusap umalis kana….hindi ko kailangan malaman ang mga sasabihin mo, I'm tired of hearing lies from you... bumalik kana lang sa kanya"
Pilit akong kumawala sa kanya at kinuha ang papel sa bag ko, ibinato ko sa kanya 'yon kaya kunot noo nyang pinulot 'yon.
"What is this? Binuksan nya ang papel at tinignan 'yon. "Saan galing ito?" He asked.
I frowned. "G-galing 'yan sayo hindi ba?"
He shook his head. "No, wala akong maalalang binigyan kita ng ganito-
"Liar!" Nagpupuyos ako sa galit habang nanlilisik ang mata 'kong nakatingin sa kanya. His lips parted. "Clark umalis kana! Ayaw na kitang makita!"
"No, i won't leave here….mag-uusap tayo!"
"Maghiwalay nalang tayo kung ganun!"
Nanlaki ang mata nya sa sinabi ko, pulang-pula ang mata nya habang kinakagat ang labi para pigilan ang pagtulo ng luha nya.
"W-what? Baby, hear me first please…..I'll explain to you everything what exactly happened"
Umiling naman ako habang unti-unting umaatras.
"I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I love you, in every possible way i can love someone but it's like you just don't care. I'm trying everything to accomplish your deepest dream, but i can't. I can't handle the pain I've been feeling lately just like i can't handle the fact that I'm not good enough for you. I'm so tired of trying to be everything you ever wanted. But most of all, I'm tired of waiting for something that will never happen."
"K-Kara, what are you saying?" Pilit syang lumalapit sakin pero patuloy ako sa pag-atras. Ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng pagod.
"I'm just tired, I'm tired of putting in more effort than i receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies."
"I-I'm sorry, Baby….mag-usap tayo ng maayos-
"Mag-usap?! Clark umalis kana! Hindi ko kailangan ng paliwanag mo! At mas lalong……. h-hindi na kita kailangan"
"M-mali lang yung nakita mo…...itinulak ko sya-
"Sinungaling! Clark…..kitang-kita ko yun! Ang tagal na magkadikit mga labi nyo! P-pero hindi mo sya nagawang naitulak k-kaagad-
"Kasi nagulat ako Kara! Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko!"
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko, gusto 'kong magwala….. gusto 'kong ilabas yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.
I feel tired, i feel restless. Gusto ko na lang ipahinga lahat kasi kahit gaano ko pa ulit ulitin na magiging maayos din ang lahat, may panibagong dahilan na naman upang masaktan, may panibagong bagay na naman upang makaramdam ng kalungkutan. Ayoko na.
"Kara….Hindi ako aalis dito hanggat hindi tayo nag-uusap-
Umiling ako.
"Hinayaan kita nung una…. h-hindi ko pinansin ang pagsasama nyong dalawa ….nagtitiis ako sa gilid habang nakikita ko kayong magkasama…...kasi pinanghahawakan ko yung sinabi mo na…..na ako na yung mahal mo"
Mas lalo akong nasaktan nang makitang may tumulong luha sa pisngi nya, nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I don't want to see him crying…..hindi ko kaya.
Mas lalong bumuhos ang luha ko nang lumuhod sya sa harapan.
"K-Kara….. please l-let me explain first"
How could world be so cruel? I wiped my tears with my bare hands.
"All this time, those i love yous you've said was all a lie. All this time, I've let myself believe in every words you've said. And i hate the fact that i let myself f-fooled by you in the f-first place."
His lips parted.
"W-what? Kara, totoo lahat ang sinasabi ko! Never akong nag sinungaling!" Sinabunutan nya ang buhok nya, kinagat ko naman ang pang ibabang labi ko. "I'm in love with you" he whispered. "O-only you. Huwag mo naman akong ipagtabuyan palayo"
Mas lalong sumikip ang dibdib ko sa narinig.
"Y-you cheated"
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kumuha ng lakas para sabihin 'yon. Natigilan naman syang tumingin sa'kin, mukhang hindi makapaniwala na sinabi ko 'yon.
Nakakapagod na.
Suko na ako.
Tumawa sya at pinalis ang luha.
"A-ang sakit"
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin, hindi ko sya kayang makitang ganito.
Humikbi ako.
"Where the fuck did i go wrong? I-I'm sorry, i was not a good b-boyfriend" Nanghihina syang tumayo. " I don't want to lose you because my life has been so much better since the day that i met you." Para akong sinasaksak sa mga katagang binibitawan nya. " I knew i really love you when i started crying thinking 'bout losing you…..If this is not our time, i hope our paths will cross again and by that time i wish things between us will work out. maybe one day, we'll meet again and explain to each other what really happened. Maybe one day, we'll finally understand. Until then, i hope you live your best life and i hope you really do all the things you've wanted to do." Naglakad sya papalapit sa'kin. "Lastly, i wanna see you happy. I want you to be happy even that happiness no longer include me." Then slowly he hugged me tight. I was just stunned.
"Thank you for existing. Thank you for spreading sunshine. Thank you for trying everyday to feel okay. I see your effort and i see you how much you are struggling from time to time. Thank you for pushing through. I love you"
He kissed my forehead.
I closed my eyes while my tears are still flowing.
"Just be your self and do what makes you happy. I love you and also Kiro…...g-good bye then….see you my love"