The air was wonderful against my face.
We were seated on the roof of an abandoned building with the magnificent skyline before us.
Tonight had been a bust.
Sure I'd been able to make enough to pay off the rent but I could still feel the strong fingers clutching my arm like a vice.
I could still feel the warm mouth travel against my neck, the teeth grazing my skin. I could still feel the unwanted hand slide between my legs.
I had a fierce temper but as soon as the drunken man pressed up his body against mine my brain shut down and instead changed his face to that of my father.
I closed my eyes but the image was still there. His blue eyes were filled with alcohol and determination as he raised up the hand that wasn't clutching the bottle of Jack Daniels to strike me.
I begged but my feeble voice was lost to him.
I felt a bulge travel down my leg and fingers crawl up my thigh.
At the back of my eyelids a different movie was playing. One that featured harsh words and pain and starring my father. The scar at my back started tingling and I almost cried.
“Please don't hurt me,” I whispered snapping my eyes open. It was no use since it was the same thing playing before my eyes.
Suddenly the weight was yanked off me and I heard something explode.
I flinched just as something crunched.
It was quiet for a while until a calm voice pulled me out of my nightmare.
I was staring into Carson's face and before I could overthink anything I wrapped my arms around my boss. He smelt strongly of sandalwood, champagne and the beach. A combination I found oddly soothing.
A hand on my neck caused me to flinch and come out of my reverie.
I watched Carson trace the spot where the drunk man had sucked my neck. The spot revolted me and I couldn't wait to go home and scrub my entire body clean. I tried not to show how much his fingers were affecting me.
“I'm really sorry about . . .” he apologized in that gentle voice of his that washed over me like lemonade on a hot day.
I couldn't get over how incredibly handsome he looked. With a white turtleneck under a blue-black blazer, his dark wavy hair fell over his forehead and almost into his grey eyes which were at the moment giving me stares that turned my insides into a useless knot.
“That's ok,” I stopped him. I really wished he would stop apologizing and just focus on keeping his fingers dancing on my skin.
For some reason tonight Carson's touch was giving me serious butterflies. I didn't know if it was because it was so gentle and no man had ever handled me gently before but what I knew was that for the first time I actually wanted a man to touch me.
After everything my father and all the men I've encountered put me through I never thought I'd have this feeling again.
As if Carson read my mind his fingers moved up to caress my cheek. This time I did lean into his warm, long fingers.
I never knew that stuffy, antisocial Carson Miller could ever incite such feelings in me.
“You know, you can talk to me if you want.”
I smiled at him. His concern was sweet and touching and compared to the last time we met he was now looking into my eyes instead of my mask which was a big improvement.
“I know. But I'd rather not. If it's ok with you I'd like to pretend none of it happened.”
He nodded and removed his fingers from my person.
“Do you want more ice cream?” He asked causing me to laugh. “'cos we can go back to that tacky shop if you want?”
I hit his shoulder playfully. “Scoopy-Doo is not tacky.”
“You are hearing yourself, right?”
His eyes gleamed in the light from the moon.
I was enjoying our back-and-forth about nothing and it was startling to know that Carson had it in him. Seeing him at work for four years I'd really thought I knew him but clearly there was more to Carson than the eye met. For starters, he was capable of laughing. Shocking!
I decided that it was time to go home. I really needed to end this day.
I smoothed the tight pink leather dress I'd worn. I had known it would be a bad idea because it stuck to my body and enhanced my broad hips and tiny waist. I'd expected it would attract a few leers but I told myself I could handle it. Apparently I was wrong.
“I really need to get going,” I told Carson.
We hadn't said much since we got here but somehow that was saying a lot. I liked that I didn't always have to talk with him.
He sighed. “I figured.”
I drew my booted feet to get up but he placed a hand on my knee.
“Before you leave there's something I'd like to propose.”
I stopped moving and settled back down. “Go on.”
He scratched his head and I was amused at how unsure he looked.
“You need someone to go with you whenever you go out and make sure creeps like that don't come anywhere near you.”
I honestly didn't want to talk about it. Was that too hard to understand?
So I did the only thing I could do. I switched the subject.
“You know you've been using this guy as an excuse to not talk about your own stalking. You're not entirely blameless you know.”
He looked embarrassed and looked away. “I'm sorry. You dropped the invitation and I figured . . .”
His look urged me to understand but all I did was chortle.
“I was wondering where that went.”
He smirked. “I thought you ladies loved persistent men?”
I raised an eyebrow but I doubted he could see it because my mask covered it. “There's a bright line between persistence and stalking and you my friend are using that line for jump rope.”
He laughed and it sounded so good I wondered why he didn't do it more often.
“You know your proposal doesn't make sense, right?”
He frowned.
“How come?”
“What you're suggesting sounds a lot like a bodyguard and I don't need a bodyguard.”
“But . . .”
“Tonight's event was unfortunate to say the least but I've been a DJ for three years, ok? I've seen the good, the bad and the bastards. I'll be fine without someone breathing down my neck all the time.”
He rubbed his chiseled jaw with the slight stubble. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I'm sure. Why'd you propose that though? Was that a tact way of offering your services?” I made sure he heard the teasing note in my voice.
“Actually, as a matter of fact, it was. I once watched an egg until it hatched and I've been told I have a glare that can melt steel. What other skill set do I need?”
With those bulging biceps, none.
I snickered at my thoughts.
I considered his offer and concluded it would be the worst idea conceivable to have him follow me around but I played along. “So what would you want in exchange for your services? Just to be clear the only thing I can currently pay you in are scratch n' sniff stickers. And yes, they're all pink.”
I wasn't finished before I sent him laughing again.
“God, you're hilarious,” he wiped his eyes. “No, the only thing I want is that you not push me away.”
I opened my mouth to protest but he stopped me.
“I realize that I can be weird and more than a little creepy but honestly I just want to be your friend. Get to know you, if you'll let me.”
His eyes showed he meant every word and I would've agreed in a heartbeat but he didn't know what he was getting himself into. I wasn't the type of girl Carson Miller would go for and honestly I didn't think that I wanted his baggage.
“How many horror movies has that been the premise of? Ten? Twenty? A million? I never pegged you as the type of killer who gets to know his victims first.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “I really wish you'd stop saying stuff like that. I'm not going to hurt you.”
I sighed. “I know, but you don't know how weird this is for me.”
Honestly, you have no freaking clue.
“I promise to stop stalking you and I promise to be less weird, do I have the job now?”
His enthusiasm was contagious but it wasn't enough.
“I can already tell by your face that that's a no,” he nodded. “It's fine.”
“Why do I get the feeling you're going to up the ante on your stalking?”
“I promised I wouldn't and I won't.”
I got up and if it were anybody else I'm sure they'd leave but I wasn't like that. I couldn't just leave him here disappointed.
I sighed and cursed my nice genes.
“Give me your phone.”
He frowned up at me but quickly set his unlocked sleek phone into my hand.
I inputted the number I used for everything Butterfly related and saved it with a butterfly emoji.
“There's my number. Don't call me and don't text before 8. PM. And do I really need to insist you don't try and track it?”
He chuckled. “Best behavior, I promise.”
I stood there while we just stared at each other. I didn't feel as self-conscious as I would've because I had my mask on.
“Will you be fine here? Or do you need a ride?”
He just smiled. “I'll be fine. Be careful though and text me if you get home safe?”
I nodded before turning around to leave.
When I got into Baby I laid my head on her steering wheel and tried not to think about my throbbing arm.
Tonight brought to the surface the fact that I hadn't gotten over my father and everything he did to me the way that I thought I had.
I thought I'd forgiven him, I thought I'd closed the door on all that bullshit. One unwanted grope from a sick drunk later and now a can of worms had opened in my mind.
I didn't have time to release the tears that were stinging my eyes because my phone started blaring out my ringtone.
I cleaned my eyes and dug out my purse from the back seat.
Bill's name was bright against the screen.
I picked the call and dropped it on the dashboard while I started up Baby.
“Yo Butterfly!” came Bill's jovial voice. “That was a sick performance homegirl, Evie loved it. Thanks to you her club is now a must go in the city of Miami. No small feat I tell you.”
I smiled. “You know I don't give the other kind.”
Bill just like everyone knew nothing about me. Honestly I had no idea why I allowed him to be my manager. But ever since he came on the Butterfly train I've been making more use of my night and playing at more important places.
“Yo check this. I was at the club when I overheard that they needed someone at the wrap party for Eternal, you know, that movie . . .”
“With Nick Bastian and July Walsh, yeah, who doesn't?” I asked starting to get excited.
Nick and July were presently the most appealing acting duo of Hollywood and I would admit shamefully that I was one of those people who spent hours on Instagram shipping both of them and wishing those two would finally get together. But as of last week the actress wished her Oscar nominated friend good luck. Talk about being friendzoned in front of millions of fans.
“Well they were thinking of going with Shade but we both know that guy's a dick,” I could visualize Bill rolling his eyes. “I could probably pull some strings and get you in but with your jamming skills I wouldn't need to do anything at all. You just need to come perform at this party tomorrow and when the organizer sees how amazing you are, bam! You're in and dickface is out.”
Bill wasn't wrong about Shade. With piercings on half his face and an arrogance that could go round everyone in the world, he really was a dick. And don't get me started on that ridiculous green mohawk. I mean I realize how pretentious I sounded considering I wore all the colours of the rainbow on my head but at least I don't shave both sides of my head. It must be a bitch to sleep with that hairstyle.
“I'm in,” I told Bill feeling the delicious anticipation of going back behind the turntable fill my veins.
“I knew it! I'll text you the deets. Listen B, if we get this I hear the party's at Nick's extravagant château in Orlando.”
“No way!”
“Yes way, bitch! We'll make a shit ton of dough on this one, I can feel it.”
I let out a deep breath. After all this maybe I would finally be able to get out of debt.
“Thank you, Bill,” I meant every word.
“It's aight, B. You get your ass to bed and I will see you tomorrow night.”
“Goodnight,” I reached for my phone and cut the call.
I stifled a yawn as I focused on the road before me, the orange street lamps guiding me home.
When I finally got home I parked Baby and hoisted my bag over my shoulder.
Picking out the key I opened the front door and slid in.
I turned on the light and immediately a brown ball of fur attacked me.
“Hi Morg,” I kissed his head.
I didn't bother calling out for my mom because I knew she was on a night shift at the hospital.
I went into my room with Morgan trailing me and fell heavily into my bed. Morgan hopped up sniffing my bag.
I chuckled. “No treats today, Morg.”
I sat up and peeled of my low-heeled boots wriggling my now free toes.
I stared at the pair of rainbow stilettos I threw in the corner of my room and wished I'd gone for it instead of the boots. With the added height of the stilettos I would've been a good 6 feet tall and too intimidating to have been approached.
I didn't have time to wallow in self pity because my phone dinged.
I smiled. It was an unknown number but from the message I knew it was from Carson.
Unknown Number: Hope you got home safe.
I tapped out a quick reply and on an impulse saved the number as Orange-Chocolate-Chip.
I knew I shouldn't encourage this, I knew that it was wrong to make him believe I was someone else, but honestly I was in the mood for some wrong decisions. We'd just hang out and if things ever showed signs of becoming too complicated I'd come out and tell him the truth.
I undid the metal clasp at the back of my head that held my mask. I fashioned it myself, not even a hurricane could loosen it.
After rubbing my eyes I took off the lace fingerless gloves that adorned my arms. Next was my contacts and then the ill-fated dress.
I trudged into my small bathroom and clutched the white porcelain sink. Looking into my mirror the image there was one of a grown woman with ridiculous rainbow hair and startling blue eyes surrounded by mascara that had run.
I took off my underwear and stepped into the small shower cubicle. I turned the cold water on and sat in one of the corners.
The sound of the water hitting the tiles was the only thing filling my ears. The rainbow dye that I used on my hair was spilling in every direction.
The pinks and indigos swirled about creating a mosaic so disgusting I wondered why I put the stuff into my hair.
A sudden tiredness creeped into my bones and spread to every part of my body almost making me dizzy.
Summoning the last strength I had I stood up and grabbed a sponge. After slathering on some body wash, I focused on the spots on my skin I wanted to erase and scrubbed vigorously until I felt my skin burn.
When I was done I'd given in to the tiredness and like a zombie I reached for my shampoo.
I didn't even know what the name was or what was in it. I just grabbed random bottles everytime I went to the supermarket.
Pretty soon I was done and I'd gotten back my dull brown hair which I wrapped in an old black towel.
I slipped into an old T-shirt and shorts and flopped face down beside my dog.
• • •
Someone was sobbing.
It was dark so I couldn't see who.
The sobs grew louder, great racking sounds that were laden with grief and misery.
Whoever this person was they were greatly suffering.
I wanted to go help but the next thing I knew I was being shaken awake.
“Sandy baby!” I recognized my mom's voice but there was a strange quality to it. Something like concern.
I blinked my eyes open and two pairs of eyes we're staring at me. One blue and human the other brown and canine.
“Mom?” My voice was hoarse and only then did I notice that my throat hurt.
My mother's blue eyes showed how worried she was and all I wanted to do was take away that worry.
“Sandy, sweetie, what's wrong?”
“Wrong?”
She was still in her blue hospital scrubs and I knew she'd just come home.
“Yes baby. When I got back you were crying so loudly I thought there was an intruder.”
And she was right because her right hand was clenched around a baseball bat.
I felt my face and I was surprised that it was wet. My mouth tasted salty too.
Then I realized I was the one sobbing in my dream.
The concern didn't leave my mother's face.
“Sandy baby, what happened last night?”
I sat up properly and leant back on the headboard.
“I'm fine, mom,” I told her. The last thing I wanted to do was to talk about it. “How was work?”
She raised one eyebrow. “Sandy . . .”
“Please mom. Just leave it alone and trust me when I say I'm fine,” Morgan came and put his head on my lap.
I sighed. Honestly I didn't need this much worry from either of them.
My mom sighed. “Alright baby, I do trust you. But you'll tell me when you're ready, right?”
I nodded, knowing fully well that last night was going into my collection of things I would never tell my mother.
I was about to tell my mom about the rent when my eyes flicked to the bedside clock. It said 6.30 and I immediately let out an ‘Oh shit!’. If I didn't get moving I was going to be late.
“I've got good news mom but I have to get going. Do you think we could do dinner out sometime so we can talk?” I asked as I stood up and headed to my ‘Alex closet’ like I liked to call it where I pulled out a pair of jeans and a black top.
Mom spread out on my bed, yawned and dug her fingers into Morgan's fur. “What's the good news, Sandy? I could use it right now. God, my feet are killing me!”
I chuckled. “Later, I promise. And it's really good too.”
And with a wriggle of my eyebrows I entered my bathroom for another harsh scrub of my skin.