'Do I?', he questioned in return flippantly.
'I don't want to presume any more. Especially in things related to you. And according to Sophie, her boyfriend Jack hired the PI. Meaning you', I said with a dead voice.
'You think I'm Jack? So that's how you work out I'm her boyfriend? It's Nathaniel. He is called Jack at the house. Sophie loved Nathaniel. Not me', he clarified to me as he walked into the kitchen and threw the ice pack in the sink.
'But... your middle name is Jacob and Nathaniel's Jonathan. Then why is he called Jack?'
'Haven't, you met my family? It's Diana's version of a sense of humour. Calling him Jack since I was a small kid... was one way of her showing what she could do', he replied bitterly.
The one hour back I would have shown sympathy...felt rage for treating him like that, but this new me doesn't feel a thing. However, a new stab of pain pierced my heart when he diverted my question about him loving her. Even his reply was 'she preferred him, not me' type scenario. As always, I pushed that pain to the back of my mind. It's not about me or my emotions anymore.
And then I came to the question, I was avoiding all along, 'Why this charade? Why with a single-mindedness did you play with my emotions? Why didn't you tell me about Sophie? concealing everything- from you knowing Sophie to deliberately misleading me to believe the murderer was dead, why?', I stood and faced the living room as I fired each question.
'Erica', you don't understand. I thought it was necessary at that time'.
'Please don't give me that bullshit. And don't even get me started on the security detail you placed to tag me along. Stupid of me to think you feared about my safety when all along YOU are the barracuda lying in the waiting. All this... why? This 'relationship'-it was your statistically executed plan, right? What do you think you will achieve doing all this? Some psycho thrill?'
I never expected him to answer any of my questions. What will he say? What was left to say? His silence is answering enough.
'Just tell me one thing. Was our relationship, part of your plan?'
He didn't reply right away. However, I was not budging on this question.
'In the beginning yes, but-', he finally admitted
I cut his excuses, by saying, 'Yes or no Raphael. I want to hear just yes or no. Nothing else'
'Erica-', he tried to cajole.
'So, it's a yes then. Makes sense. Is sleeping with me also part of your plan? You know...to put me under your thumb! Was any of it real?'
'Erica you are exaggerating', he walked towards me and stood behind me. I don't want to turn.
'No, I'm telling the truth, unlike you', I turned and poked my finger on his naked chest.
'I was not the only one to keep secrets from the other person', he fired back.
'But you are the one to inflict the pain. You feared I would get close to the case. Telling me about Sophie meant more questions. You feared I would reveal your family's involvement to the public...Would reveal your involvement in tampering the evidence. You don't trust easily. And I was the unknown factor. You want to learn more about me...about my loyalty...before trusting me. Thus the security detail. Of course, it also used to keep an eye on my activities...staying in the line you drew and not venturing on my own. And when the tag got busted, I was still new. You are in a bind. Hence, the commence of the epic love story. But once you get to know me, it becomes difficult for you to explain. Because you know I won't forgive when crossed. And you want your cake and eat it too. So, you thought- why tell Erica? Why disrupt my sex life? By not telling, I'm protecting her. With that, you consoled your conscience. And when I started getting clingy, you threw a crumb at me with the ball. It was a good plan. Alas, it backfired when little me tried to find you and accidentally found the file. You were never going to tell me about her. Hit the bullseye, didn't I?' I dissected how he thought and executed the plan.
'Erica, you were thinking all wrong'
'No Raphael Sinclair, for the first time, I'm thinking correctly. What a gullible fool I was? Believing your lies. All this... for what? So that you won't have to face some silly scandal? Was it worth it? How could you sleep knowing you cost justice to an innocent?'
'I was protecting my family. They too are innocent in this. Sophie will not come back, but my family would be facing that scandal. The media will be relentless. Digging about her, they will come across Nate's relation with her. And once they smell big fish, they will go for the kill. They will hound my family. That, I can't accept. I cannot let it happen.'
I snorted.' If you thought that pack of hyena's innocent, you are a bigger fool than me'
'Enough!'
'Yes, Raphael. It's enough. It's high time to stop. It's pointless to go further'
'You are wrong about me. The investigation is still going on. As I said, a special team has been appointed. They were to tell no one about the case. In fact, they are to report only to me'
'Oh ya! Is that so? Then where is the killer? I don't see here'
'Dammit, Erica. It takes time.'
'Ya... thought so. For a guy, who could kill five criminals or order to do it within 24 hrs of the crime, why is it finding this killer is so difficult?'
'I'm not going to answer any of your questions until you calm down. You are twisting everything I say. You won't hear anything with this state of mind'.
I tuned out everything he said. 'I was doomed from the beginning, wasn't I?' He didn't just break my heart, he shattered it into million pieces. I wanted to wail for my lost soul. But outwardly I projected numb, he doesn't deserve to see me broken. I won't give him that satisfaction.
He must have realized the seriousness of my statement as he looked on.
'You know what's pathetic Raphael? - You still didn't say I love you. You, not falling on your feet for giving me explanations. Even now, you are trying to manipulate this situation. So, to make things easy for you... goodbye Raphael', I turned towards the door. I stopped before opening it and said, 'FYI if you didn't get the memo, I quit', with that parting line I exited his home.
There were no big declarations or crying. Not even a shout. It was deadly quiet when I exited his home, with him looking on with a neutral expression on his face.
Once I entered the lift, the numbness spread through my body. Maybe it was my body's way of giving me protection from the pain his admission caused. The anger will come later... and once it comes, it will build into a rage that would take root in my heart to seek vengeance. For now, the numbness presses on.
What a night! -it began as a dream and ended in a nightmare. The sun was coloring the sky with its brightness when I stepped outside. Strange, dawn was supposed to be new beginnings, then why do I feel like my life has ended?