Narrator’s Name: Unknown, Still
XV. Reading Spoke to His Silence
Hint/Confession: Believe it or not, I am one of the tales told in this story of time.
Umar always started his search after his shift in the library had ended. He goes through the plethora of books, unaware of what he was really looking for but sure if he saw it he’d recognize it. At first, the search was random, then he went through sections he thought would have interested Safiyya. And then he went through books she had told him she had read. He was dedicated to finding Safiyya’s word.
That didn’t mean he didn’t sometimes get lost in the sobriety and sublimity of words encased in both old and new books. Simply put, reading spoke to his silence.
He spends the whole day in the library searching for a chance, a whiff – anything really – that’d suggest this bizarre mission meant something. Instead of heading home, he goes through the books with utmost attention, flipping and thinning thick pages like his life depended on it – trust me, his life depended on it.
But always, Umar found nothing.
On the fourth day of his search for her words, as Umar was about to leave the library and retire for the night, another message from R was sent:
Well done, U.J. But to find life you have to Sign your death warrant.
Umar pocketed his phone, said goodbye to the security at the gate, and rode his brother’s old bicycle home. Umar preferred to walk or ride than to get in a car let alone to drive one. We all have our fears, and one of Umar’s many fears is driving.
***
Umar went to see Maryam. Their relationship had grown. She made him forget everything when she played a smile for him as he listened with his heart. At this point in time, they were a few words too long into their story.
“You know, I’m an expert on things like that,” Umar said.
“Okay, expert-on-things-like-that, tell me what you know about make-up?” Maryam said.
“I think it happened about a week ago. I saw this girl – I think she wouldn’t have been more than ten years old. I had entered the market to buy umma some things she needed for a design she was working on. And this girl, in the bustling and noisy market, was holding a book between her thumb and her forefinger. Reading intently. Somehow filtering all that noise and paying attention to only lines of words. I loved that. I love a girl with a book. That’s the kind of makeup I like. And I see it in you every time we meet. A potential doctor with a book. A girl with a book.”
She smiled then said musingly, “A girl with a book, you say? I suppose that’s the name of a book but who’s the author? I know of The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. But A girl with a Book!? Is that really a thing? Where can I find it? Who’s the author?”
“The author? You are the author.”
“I am?” She said, her words fall to her laps. Like crumbs from a stolen cake. She blushed then brushed them with her eyes.
“Yes. And one more thing. Your sense of humor – what a dazzling make-up it is! Dr. Maryam, your sense of humor.”
“When do I meet Umma,” Maryam said, changing the topic. “When is she coming back from Kano.”
“Next tomorrow, or maybe the day after. I think she’s coming with Hafsa. That means you’re going to meet the most beautiful girl in my universe.”
“I can’t wait.”
She noticed something was off with Umar. She asked him but he told her nothing. He didn’t want her to know this part of him –the find-Safiyya’s-words part of him. At least not yet. He just told her he had someone bothering him and didn’t know who it was and why.
She stayed mute for a while then said, “What do you think a doctor will do if his patient lied to him?”
“I don’t know. What will the doctor do? What will you do?”
“Let’s say a patient came in to see a doctor. And the patient lied to the doctor about what was really wrong with her…”
“Her?”
“It could be a ‘he’, we are just assuming,” Maryam said. “Naturally, the doctor will diagnose the patient based on what the patient said and also based on what he noticed about the patient from the moment the patient set foot in his office. But in his case, the patient lied. So how will the doctor know the patient is lying to him?”
“Why would the patient lie to him in the first place. To get drugs, maybe?”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But the why of it is the thing that holds everything together. The doctor could prescribe to the patient something that might not only harm the patient but kill her. Because it’s unlikely that he’d think his patient would lie to him. Why? What would be the reason to put one’s health at risk by lying? That patient must be truly motivated by something – anything. But the fact is she’s very motivated.
“Yaya Umar, to solve this problem with this person bothering you – bothering us. We have to be just as motivated. But motivation is a scarce resource – some days you are, some days you aren’t. So we have to make it a part of us.”
Umar was listening and looking at his beloved. “So how do I make it a part of me?” Umar asked. “Sorry, a part of us?” he smiled.
“By completely being true to ourselves. By recounting our unfinished thoughts and connecting the dots; and reviewing every skipped heartbeat that we evasively try to ignore. We should never lie to ourselves. And it’s okay to make mistakes and to try and fail. Mistakes are survivable. Mistakes exist to remind us that we are, in fact, humans,” Maryam said.
You'll be surprised what the right words from the right person could do to you.
“So it’s true; the doctor always knows best,” Umar told the doctor to be. She smiled like the brightness of the moon in the middle of a lunar month — brushing off traces of darkness and teasing the brightness of mornings. To Umar, she was that and more.
So far, Umar had survived his mistakes. The mistakes were his nature of running away and not confronting. It was the mistake of utmost complacency. He had survived mistakes and a gunshot to the chest. And what Maryam was trying to say, as he’d later summarize, was that his prescription was this:
Truth and dare.
Infinite dose a day.
He thanked her, they talked for a while and he left. On his way back home he thought of the mistakes he’d make before he find Safiyya’s words. Is trusting Jameel a survivable mistake? Umar asked himself.