“Happiness is not the goal. Honor is.” That phrase echoed in Xu Liang’s mind, even as he barely paid attention during Master Qiáng's lessons. It was something his mother, Lady Mei, always reminded him of. Honor above all else.
Xu was not oblivious to the existence of same-sex relationships in their society. Although not openly discussed, the term nánxiāng or nanse—meaning “male beauty” or “male color”—referred to such relationships, and it was a concept known throughout various dynasties. Yet, knowing it existed did nothing to ease the turmoil within him.
“It’s not that easy…” he whispered to himself with a heavy sigh. He couldn’t expect to live his true self in secrecy. His heart ached for truth, yet the weight of societal expectation pressed him down.
“I need to sleep,” Xu mumbled, his feet guiding him out of the empty classroom. The lesson had ended an hour ago, but he had lingered, lost in contemplation and thoughts of Lin Hua.
As Xu made his way down the corridor, he noticed Yǔxuān approaching from a distance, his hand raised in greeting. Panic welled up in Xu’s chest.
He knew Yǔxuān would ask him about Jiao Ming—the upcoming arranged marriage that Xu dreaded with every fiber of his being.
“Xu Liang!” Yǔxuān called out, his voice rich with authority and confidence. “I was looking for you earlier.”
Xu forced a polite smile, trying to mask his inner turmoil. “Ah, Yǔxuān. I was—”
“I wanted to invite you to meet Jiao Ming in person,” Yǔxuān interrupted, his tone casual but pointed. “She’s traveled a long way, and it would be an honor for you to finally meet her.”
Xu’s stomach churned. How could he explain that he felt nothing for Jiao Ming? That the thought of marrying her filled him with dread, not joy? “I... I’m not sure if I’m ready,” he stammered, trying to find the right words without betraying his true feelings.
Yǔxuān raised an eyebrow, his gaze piercing. “Not ready? You weren’t even home yesterday when Uncle Zhou came to finalize the arrangements with your father.”
Xu’s mind raced. He had been home, listening to every word exchanged between his father and Mr. Zhou Ming, Jiao Ming’s father.
The marriage, the political alliance, the importance of their family’s status—everything had been meticulously planned.
But Xu couldn’t bring himself to face it. Instead, he had fled to the Lotus Garden, hoping to escape reality, if only for a night.
“I... had personal matters at the garden,” Xu lied, trying to keep his voice steady. “It needed tending.”
Yǔxuān’s gaze sharpened. “Personal matters? You missed an important meeting to tend to flowers?”
“It’s not just about the flowers,” Xu retorted, feeling the tension rise between them. “There are things in the garden... things that help me clear my mind.”
Yǔxuān’s expression softened for a moment, though his eyes remained shrewd. “Is that what this is? Clearing your mind? Or are you running from something?”
Xu’s heart raced. He could feel the weight of Yǔxuān’s unspoken accusations pressing down on him. He had always admired Yǔxuān’s confidence, his unwavering sense of duty. But now, that confidence felt like a blade pressed against his chest.
“I’m not running,” Xu replied, though even he didn’t believe his own words.
Yǔxuān took a step closer, his voice low and intense. “Are you sure? Because it seems to me that you’ve been avoiding not just the marriage but something deeper. Something that troubles you more than you’re willing to admit.”
Xu’s throat tightened. He wanted to lash out, to deny everything, but Yǔxuān’s words cut too close to the truth. “It’s not just the marriage,” Xu whispered, his voice trembling. “It’s the future it represents. I don’t... I don’t know if I can live that life.”
“What life, Xu Liang?” Yǔxuān pressed, his tone sharp. “The life of a nobleman? The life of someone bound by duty and honor? Or is there something else?”
Xu’s silence spoke louder than words.
Yǔxuān’s eyes darkened with a sudden realization. “So, it’s true,” he said softly, almost to himself. “You’re not running from the marriage; you’re running from yourself. From what you truly feel.”
Xu’s eyes widened in shock, his chest tightening. How could Yǔxuān possibly know? How could he see through the mask Xu had so carefully constructed?
“You’re hiding something,” Yǔxuān continued, his voice laced with tension. “Something you’ve kept hidden for far too long.”
Xu’s voice broke as he tried to deflect. “Why does it matter to you?” he asked, his tone desperate. “What right do you have to question me about my personal feelings?”
Yǔxuān’s gaze softened slightly, though there was still a steeliness to his words. “Because it’s not just about you, Xu Liang. It’s about my cousin. It’s about her future too. But more than that...” He paused, his voice dropping to a near-whisper. “I need to know if what I suspect is true.”
Xu’s heart pounded in his chest. “What are you saying, Yǔxuān?”
Yǔxuān stepped even closer, his eyes locked onto Xu’s. “Tell me the truth,” he demanded. “Do you... find yourself drawn to men rather than women? Is this why you’ve been avoiding Jiao Ming? Is this what you’re hiding?”
Xu’s breath caught in his throat. The room seemed to spin around him as Yǔxuān’s words sank in. How could he answer that? How could he admit to the truth he had buried so deep inside himself?
“I... I am not...” Xu stammered, struggling to find the words. His cheeks flushed with a mix of shame and fear.
“Tell me, Xu Liang,” Yǔxuān pressed, his voice low and dangerous. “How do you feel when you’re near me? Do you find yourself drawn to me in a way you can’t explain?”
Xu’s heart raced. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breathe.
“This is ridiculous!” Xu finally managed to gasp. “You cannot—”
Yǔxuān cut him off, his voice soft but unyielding. “I’m waiting for the truth, Xu Liang. You can’t run from it forever.”
Xu felt the walls closing in around him. He could see no escape. The truth, once hidden so carefully, now stood before him like an open door—waiting for him to step through, or turn away forever.