My eyes strive to do their best to let out a single tear, yet I think they failed. Again. Not that I’m not sad about it, but I’ve never cried before. I don’t know how to do it. My heart aches, now sitting on the seat, my mind replaying that scene again and again. Patrick’s face sticks in the front of my brain, guilt-tripping myself, saying I could have done something. I could have avoided it. I wouldn’t have lost another friend if I was brave enough.
Because I never was.
I only didn’t lose one friend, but two. I lost to Ivan in our little race and promised to hang with him when we got out of here. But I guess it won’t happen anymore, and I regret it. I promised myself to protect him, but I didn’t fulfill it. Now I don’t think I still could look at Gwen in the face. She’d totally blame me for it.
The road is full of damaged cars, as a result of crashes. Most of them have exploded and fire is now devouring every part of a vehicle. Scattering bloodies on the sidewalks and even people who we hear their screams as we pass by. They would have stayed alive if they went to the mall and yet it’s too late for them now. We make our own way by avoiding the obstacles and going off the road at times. There is silence inside the narrow room, but it didn’t last long.
I stand up as I prefer riding buses while standing. I sit in the front of the vehicle, now seeing everyone’s face.
Gwen doesn’t stop crying, although her friends tried to appease her. Not for long, she utters, “I saw what happened.” The Russian accent becomes stronger, indisputably delivering the heavy emotion she has right now.
She glares at the opposite side of the bus, and I guess she puts her eyes on Josh. Tears fall again, and her lips tremble. She continues, “You pushed him.”
Josh looks apologetic, crying his own tears. He looks up at her and then turns away.
“See, you can’t even look me in the eye because I was right.”
“I’m sorry, alright?” His tone of voice is high, an apparent impulsive reaction that regards frustration and annoyance by the fact he admits to what Gwen has accused him of. “I was scared.”
“He was scared, too. But you took his life just to save yours!”
“Gwen, calm down. I don’t think he meant to do that.” Bucky interjects in a calm tone.
“Didn’t mean it? I saw him myself, Bucky. I could tell if he didn’t mean it or he did!”
“Can we just stay calm for a while?” George joins in. “It’s not cool to accuse our friend of something he obviously didn’t do. Josh would never do that.”
Gwen rises from her seat. “Oh, so you’re calling me a liar?”
“Look, we lost a friend, too,” Jay responds to her. “Don’t act like you’re the only victim here.”
A big loud scoff is her reply. “My brother was a victim. He would still be here if he hadn’t pushed him off and let him die.”
“I’d push someone off to stay alive,” Dan mutters.
“Hoodie Guy, you’re not helping,” Bucky rebuts.
Gwen speaks again, “Please, let’s stay with our topic. This is why I’d never trust anyone again because everyone will betray in the end!”
“I didn’t mean it!” Josh yells.
“You didn’t? You even said sorry and pushed the button to close the goddamn door! Heck! Why didn’t anyone else see that?!”
“Because you’re lying! Josh would never do that! The door closed itself!” George counters.
On the other hand, it’s not just Gwen who saw Josh push the button. And as they brought it up, I can’t hold myself from talking any longer. I have to testify, even if it’s against my own friend. I say in a low tone, my voice almost cracking, “I did.”
Everyone glowers at me, yet only one face I can’t ignore. Josh lets out another tear, frowning as if he’s asking me why I told the truth. “I’m sorry, Josh. I saw it, too.”
He sobs, dropping his head down.
“I saw it, too, though,” Jesse, who I think is the only one left, responds as well.
“Your opinion doesn’t count, witch.” George rolls his eyes as he counters.
“See?” Gwen says. “Riley said it herself. Thank you.”
I carefully study each of their faces as I build the words to say. “I’m not saying this to blame Josh. I know the boy for we’ve been together since the first day in high school. For the record, he’s my closest friend. And Ivan was my friend, too. You are all my friends, and I can’t watch any other deaths again or I’d lose it. I’d definitely lose it. For now, we… we’d just have to stick to the plan, make it happen and hopefully, we’d get the lives that we wanted.
“Patrick knew he was loved by this bunch of a-holes, and even until his last breath, even when he’s turned, I know and I believe that deep inside him, he still knows that. The same goes for Ivan. Let us think that they gave their lives for our own good. Well, maybe it’s fate playing with us. Maybe it’s fate that chose who to live and die. Maybe it’s its way to make us stronger and move on and go ahead in our lives. We’re still young and we can do so much more. There are many challenges out there that we haven’t faced. Maybe losing someone you love might be a part of it, but we shouldn’t let it bring us to our downfall. We have to keep going. Not just for us, but for them, too.”
Everyone seems to be in tears, and I’m the only one who’s not. For some reason, I never learned how to cry. Not even when I was born, no tears haven’t fallen yet. But I feel what they feel, and I know they have kept it in mind. I glance at Josh who now smiles while still crying. He knows I’m always on his side, but it’s not what I intended to do. I can’t make this whole team split up in two just because of some kind of an accident.
Josh may have done something wrong, but he’s still my friend.
“So, what do we do now?” Bucky asks.
I look outside, and it seems like we’re already at the fields. The road looks peaceful and quiet, and the sun is now setting down. We better keep this bus running or we’d end up walking on foot.
I sigh before I answer, “This road is long, and it seems like it doesn’t have any bloodie nearby, but we have to be wary. For now, let’s not make an alarming sound so we won’t attract any more bloodies.”
Kirby raises his hand, intending to say something.
“Yes?”
“Like Miss Karen Smith always said, ‘don’t be too loud’.”
I grin. “Every time we get in trouble, cos our loud voices would thunder the entire hallway.”
We laugh as we recall the last time.
“Wait, that was your classroom?” Stephen asks. His expression changes from sad to when someone learns something amazing today.
I chuckle. “Yeah, all the time.”
“No crap, bro.” George comments, and then cackles and giggles become the bus’s playlist.