JESS
Ever since they put me in jail, Rufus and Detective Sanchez visits me, except today, when I need them the most. Maybe because it’s Mira’s burial? Or they’re busy investigating?
I tried to talk if I can see Mira for the last time, but they didn’t allow me. They said that I am a suspect, and a possible suspect in Mira’s case, means I can not be seen anywhere near her.
I’ve received many visitors and letters, mostly from my officemates. Alex told me that they released an Article that talks about the possibility that I was framed; they are prioritizing my story. I’m surprised to receive a few letters from Relm.
The Jail guard who roams the halls every 2 hours sometimes gives me a talk, and with a simple greeting, he made me feel like I’m still a person. Yesterday, I get to ask him the reason behind his greetings and he whispered, “You can see kindness in the eyes, as well as innocence.”
I didn’t time it right, eh? I thought he’s not going to roam the halls for another hour and twenty five minutes since he just roamed 35 minutes ago. “Doubling the routine?” I ask him as I flip through the pages of the fashion magazine Relm gave me.
The guard chuckles. I see him everyday, but I still don’t know his name, for unknown reason this feels like the wrong time to ask him his name. The key to my cell rustles as he opens the gate. “There’s someone for you.”
I heard footsteps coming in. “Hey, Jess.”
I almost didn’t recognized him. His hair looks like the wind specifically blew on it, and his clothes looks like it had just been pulled off the dryer. “Hey.” I softly said, then pulled him towards me for a hug. His scent that I like made me squish my face on his neck. “Where have you been? You’re the only person I want to see.”
He breaks from the hug. “I’m sorry. I was just busy with every thing that is happening.” I can tell that something is wrong with him by the way he rushes to sit on my bed.
I exhaled. “So, are you going to Mira’s burial?” I ask him, more like a confirmation. His outfit doesn’t really look like he’s going to a funeral.
“No, I have somewhere to go.”
“Where?”
He sighed, reached for my hand and pulled me towards him so he can hug me on my waist and rest his head on my tummy. We stayed like this for a minute before I felt something hot and wet going through my shirt. He is crying.
I scratch his head and tried to make him look at me, but he resist. “Oh god, I’m so sorry.” What is he sorry for? For not visiting me? He knows that I understand, he’s a detective.
“Do not be sorry. I understand, you’re a busy person.” I brush his hair.
He shakes his head. “No, no, no, god…” He pulled my hand and made me sit beside him. “Jess, I did not mean to do it. I was black out, and the next thing I know, she’s already gone.”
Not meeting what he’s saying, I just gave him a faint smile. “What are you saying?”
He washes his face up to his hair using his hands. Now, his hair looks more proper. “I did something bad, Jess. So bad I kept it from you.”
“Okay, what did you do?” I reached for his hand to convince him to continue because it seems like he’s battling wether to spill his secret to me or keep it to himself.
What’s the worst thing he can do? He’s a good person. He can’t even hurt an animal. I remember the time when he made an Ant Restaurant and placed it outside my apartment, he said that ants are being killed around the world from hunger and that making an Ant Restaurant is the least he can do for them.
He pulled me towards him and kissed me. “You will hate me forever after knowing what I did, Jess.”
I look him in his eyes, then I realized just how much I miss the sight of him. “What will make me hate you?” He closes his eyes and brushes his face on my palm.
What will make me hate this man? The only person I have? The one who stayed with me through everything I’ve been through, my safety net who’s ready to catch me if I slide down a dark deep hole, the man who I am ready to spend my life with? Nothing. Nothing will ever make me hate this man.
I whispered on his ear, “Nothing.”
After that, it looks like he gave up. Like he reached a final battle between his mind and his heart that battles which is the right way to go, or to end this. “You’re so good, Jess. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you. This world doesn’t deserve you.”
“Come on, Jax. You know we deserve each other. Many people has passed on us, but look at us, we are still here.”
“No, you don’t understand.”
I hold tight his hand. “Then make me understand.” His tears are halfway far from mine, there’s nothing for me to cry about. Not yet at least. “I can’t meet you here—“ I pinned my pointing finger on his head. “If you don’t say what is going on with you. Whatever it is you did, we’re going to fix it. You are going to undo your mistake, and I will be on your side.”
“There’s no undo button on the mistake I did. It can not be build again.”
I scoff. “What mistake can not be build again?”
The atmosphere made me roll down my pajama, and position my arms across my chest. I’m just looking at him, waiting for his answer. Four time he opened his mouth only to close it again. This time, his eyes avoids mine.
I started to battle myself. Do I really want to know his mistake that can not be build again? What if it’s something that will make me hate him forever?
“Jax, spill it please. I’m fragile enough to break and sooner I will. One more secret from you will change nothing that’s going to happen—“
“I killed Kathy.”
My arms fall, but my mouth remains close. I couldn’t tell if he’s joking or if he’s serious, but he wouldn’t be crying like this if this is not all serious, am I right?
I doubt it, he’s not the person who’s capable of being a murderer. I am more capable than him. “What did you just say?”
He’s not crying anymore, he is serious. “It was fast. We got into an argument, then the next thing I know he’s crawling towards me for help.” He can’t look at me, and he’s avoiding it by playing with his fingers.
“Listen, this is not a good time for you to pull this joke. Mira is dead, and they are burying her today, and I can’t even see her. So please—“
“It’s your fault though.”
“What did you just say?”
“If you hadn’t involve yourself in a romantic relationship with Denise, this is all not going to happen. Mira would still be alive.”
My mouth was left open for a minute before I managed to close it again. “I—“ Funny how I didn’t have any plan if this ever happens, and now it is happening. “How did you know?”
He chuckles, his expression’s blank. “The night Kathy died, I confronted her because earlier that day, I found out that while I work and while you wait for me, she’s satisfying the blank space I left. Then she acted like a superior and threatened me. Things got heated up pretty fast, the next thing I know is I’m stones to my position while watching her soul left her body.”
I’m well aware that I’m too surprised to properly react on what’s happening now. All I can ask him is, “How— why didn’t you told me all this before?”
“I kept everything quiet for a long time because I want to keep you. I want to see you thrive while you build your dreams, and I like how I am the one who’s keeping you together.” Pain. That’s what his eyes purely shows. “But it looks like you have trouble doing the same thing for me.”
If there is a see through person, it is him. He’s like a painting that Illustrates thousands of feelings which all corresponds to pain. There are a lot of colors, lines, and shapes, but the whole picture distinctly shows the painting’s purpose: love walks with pain.
“I’ve been sabotaging her case because I want to be near you. Now, it is all up to you if you’re going to put me in jail. I don’t really care anymore.” He pulled an envelope out of his pocket then placed it on my bed. “This is where I will be. In case you’re going to tell them.” He’s getting ready to get up and leave.
My tears began to fall. “So, you’re running away too? Leaving me with no one?”
“We hit a dead end. Now’s the time for us to walk away from each other.”
Words can’t explain how I felt when I hear his footsteps fade while he exit the hall. The rustling of the keys and the impact of the gate bumping on the wall made it all worse.
How did I end up here, all alone? Ah, I drove myself here. My darkness made everyone ran away from me. I didn’t kill anyone with my own hands, but surely I made them commit a mistake that can not be undone.