How can I love when I am afraid to fall, watching him stand-alone; watching him stand in love? A deep silence filled the car as he slowed down waiting for me to say something.
I can’t look at his eyes, those eyes that had the pretty charming smile, rich laugh, and the dangerous anger was dripping tears now before me. Is this real or am I dreaming? I waited for another minute to pass in silence. What should I say; What should I do?
If he had told me this back then when I was still in love with him, I would have accepted within a nanosecond. But now, after I had suffered falling in love for the first time, I don’t want to suffer again. He might change like my dad, for he had already shown his strict behavior to me, and before his friend he cherished. He would probably change to bad if I accept him.
I and my subconsciousness had suffered enough, and I can't put myself under his shoes again. The last I do that, he matches me like a soldier matches a grass in the war. I looked at him, his eyes were still dripping tears. I looked down, sighing.
"Annie, please say something."
"Huh?" I shivered within. Harry, please understand me. Not that I don’t want to accept, it is because I don’t want to suffer again. I need to face my study. I am just afraid to fall in love again, for the last time I fall, I had no one to pull me out of the pit of pain, except for my novel and comedies video.
"Annie, I had changed all my bad behavior. If you want me to leave the A4 group, I can do that because of you. Please, you are the only one I want. My love was born in your eyes. Please, I love you. I need you, Annie."
Fucked, this is shit. This is the time someone would tell me he love me except my mom. What should I call this? It was something I must wish against; something I must deny, but I managed to give out a low sigh. "Err..." I don’t want to do, Harry, you should understand me. I looked at him wishing he know my deepest thoughts. I can't stand to see her tears dropping for me.
"Annie, please say something."
Oh my god, I don’t know what to say for I know how bad and hurt it was to be let down by the person you truly love. Tears rolled down my cheek; inexplicably tears. My tears were shy and then swiftly hides in my mouth, resting on my lips. "Err... Harry, you should understand, I can't love anymore. I just want to face my study for now."
He was cleaning his tears now, but the more he clean it the more it flows out like a river. His pensive mood touches me, but no, I can't, I can't love him. It would be fine if we continue to befriend. Best friends. I feel confident to say something now since I had come up with an idea that bail me out.
Cleaning my little tears, I said, "Harry, it would be good if we focus on our education and we should just become best friends. I think a best friend will do."
"Oh no." His voice quavered like rain. "I want more than that Annie, please."
"Harry, you should understand me, I don't, and can't love you." I pressed the knuckles on my mouth after I realized I said it at last. I watched him clean his tear with the handkerchief he had given me to clean my tears back then in the restaurant. And then he just drop the handkerchief and let his tears flow. Just to flow. He turned the key in the ignition, and the car breathe into life, by someone I think was dying in love.
Don’t dare to love, Annie, my subconsciousness reminded me, and looked out the window. Tears were dropping to my clothes now. Why I am so wicked like this? I know how it feels to feel heartbreak, I just don’t want anyone to feel that, but I can't just do something I don’t want to do. I can't force myself to love. His phone beeped, the picture on the caller was one of his friends, but he ignore it. Back then, he would have picked and talked for hours with him and laughed, but now, he can't. The phone beeped again and again. Harry switched it off and speed up towards home.
I walked into my mom's room and found my phone in her drawl. I need to call somebody, someone that would distract me from what had happened in the car for a while. A message popped on my phone after I switched it on
'Annie, my dad had bought me the phone, but it was not like yours. It was not as good as yours, but he promised to buy another one for me if I passed my exam. Don't hesitate to call me. I had been dialing your phone since yesterday, it was switched off.'
I smile, watching my fingers saving Jean's number, dialing her number now.
"Annie." Her voice was filled with joy. "Annie, how are you."
I remained silent, I don’t know what to say, I just want to face the reality now. I want to leave my head alone for a while but the question remained how.
"Annie" She called once more. "Are you there?"
"Jean."
"Oh." She giggled. "Can you hear me now, Annie, can you hear me?"
"Yes, Jean, am so happy you have a phone."
"Thank you so much, Annie, I had sent you a friend request on Facebook, accept it please, and send me those pictures."
"Sure." I smiled.
"What happened to you, Annie?"
Huh? I raised my eyebrows. Jean had read me once.
"Did he beat you again?"
"Why did you ask?" I tried to keep my voice clear.
"Your voice. Wait, are you crying? Annie."
I let silence fall and it drags me away. Her voice returned. "Annie, should I come to your house."
Maybe yes. "Do you know the address, would your parent allow you?"
"Sure. I will lie I want to do my assignment with you."
"Okay, okay, be fast please, so that you would go back home on time." We hang up and I walked out of my mom's room. I watched my face in my bathroom. I saw Harry watching football in the sitting, the handkerchief was still in his hand, he looked back at me and I swiftly looked down, and then walked awkwardly out the house.